Today Rico and I have been married for nine years. Seems like we've been together forever since we dated 6 1/2 years before we got married. He once told me his only regret was that he didn't marry me sooner... Awww... isn't that sweet?

He's off this week so he's at home doing laundry and cleaning house and I'm at work wishing I were home with him. We are trying to decide between going out tonight to a fancy restaurant where we possibly won't be able to smoke or to the Flying Fish which is more laid back. I think I'd prefer the Flying Fish. They have great crab legs. Besides, I'd rather we spent our time as we usually do, just hanging out together at one of our favorite places. I draw the line at Zack's for dinner though. Drinks afterward maybe but dinner? Uh, no.

I've been sitting here all day with no motivation reading about the horrible tsunami and the tens of thousands killed. Last count I saw was 80,000... Those poor people. I've also been reading the survival stories and some are pretty amazing. You can find a lot of them at
www.cnn.com/quake

I also read about the 28 people killed when those Iraqi police officers were summoned to a house and 1700 or more pounds of explosives went off killing so many. How can the Iraqi police do their job if this is what they have to deal with. How do they know which tip is legitimate and which is a trap?

May all of their souls rest in peace.

I might post more later but since Rico and I are going out and it's our anniversary I probably won't... Hope to be too busy to write! lol (Wonder if he bought me a present? Probably not but maybe???)

Until later...

I had a great big long post started at home on my hard drive but I decided to just write the Reader's Digest condensed version. Besides I think this one is a little cleaner language wise than the one at home.

Christmas Eve Matt & Heather came by to give me the key to their apartment to check on the cats while they go to Oklahoma to see my parents. He walks in pissed and then she walks in pissed. After the argument about him thinking she was going to stay in the car she stomps out and slips on the icy stairs and falls. I'm terribly worried and run out in my pajamas to check on her but she said she was fine and went to the car. Seems Matt was pissed because they were going to her parents instead of straight to Oklahoma. It was her dad's birthday, not to mention Christmas Eve. Of course she wants to see her dad. He starts in about how she never listens to him and this from a kid who won't even listen while I'm trying to calm him down. I finally told him that he wasn't listening to anyone either, get over it, it's Christmas and quit fighting. Whew... I think I cried the entire time I was in the shower. It was shaping up to be one hell of a depressing Christmas.

Then a friend of ours came by to spend the day. We were planning on starting to drink really early and watch football. My boss called... He was bringing by my Christmas bonus. I'd given up on even getting one so that was a nice suprise. Well almost two hours later he shows up. At least he makes house calls, right? But we'd had a hard time visiting with Jimmy because we kept waiting for my boss. Hey, money's worth waiting for. So then we settled in to drink champagne (beer for Jimmy) and watch football. After Jimmy left about 6:30 there wasn't much to do so we watched t.v. and were probably in bed by 9:30. Yippee...

Christmas Day... Rico was supposed to have gotten a ham from work but because of the weather we never got it. The day before we'd gone and bought one so I decided we'd cook it for our Christmas Dinner and also for Monday night when Matt & Heather came over. Talked to Mom and she makes some remark like "So you two didn't want to come for Christmas because you'd driven to see Jake last weekend?" Uh, no Mom... between us and Matt & Heather there are 7 animals to take care of (5 cats - Pink, Alice (ours), Manny, Widdle & Chester (M & H's) and two dogs - Fox and Jerrica.) Cats can pretty much take care of themselves but our dogs have never learned how to open a doorknob and let themselves out to potty and I don't like picking crap up off the floor. Sheesh. Anyway I was really missing them all and wished we could be there, instead it was just me and Rico. One kid spending Christmas in jail and the other in Oklahoma.

Sunday was spent doing housework and in general just lying around. M & H came by on their way in from Oklahoma to give me some clothes my mom sent and a pretty scarf she had gotten me.

Monday I baked cookies and got the house ready for our Christmas with M & H. I was really excited finally to have some type of Christmas! I shouldn't have bothered. We had a great time until dinner was almost finished and I mentioned something to Matt about his taxes (he and his boss are self employed and this is his first year having to deal with that type of stuff). He got pissed and started yelling at me that he's taking care of everything and I was making him feel like I was trying to run his life. He said he felt I wasn't proud of his work or accomplishments. I tried to talk to him but as usual he wasn't listening so I got PISSED and started to yell at him to listen to me. Yeah, that did a lot of good. I ended up in tears, ran out of the dining room, through the kitchen and tripped over Fox sending me flying face first into the wall, cutting my face, breaking my glasses, bruising my head and shoulder and crying harder than ever. I just lay down on my bed and bawled like a baby. Bless Rico's heart he usually gets soooo mad at the boys when they upset me but he was too worried about me and really did a good job of settling the situation down. After I calmed down I told Matt that I would never mention his work or anything related to it ever again but if the IRS comes knocking at his door, don't call me or even tell me because it's none of my business. I told him I'm very proud of his work and how hard he is working to build a good reputation but that's the last I'll mention it to him again. At least for a good long time. After they left I was just depressed and in a lot of pain. At least I have a second pair of glasses but they don't have bifocals so I'm having kind of a hard time.

Needless to say I'm so glad that Christmas is over. It was the worst one I can ever remember having. At least I have Rico. I haven't spoken to Matt today and I'm not going to call him. As far as I'm concerned he owes me a major apology and he will have to be the one to call me. Childish I know but I never promised that just because I got older I'd act like an adult all of the time.

Okay, I know that it snows way worse in other places and a whole lot more often but here in Little Rock it just doesn't happen that often. Well, today it did. First it sleeted then it snowed. There is about an inch of sleet under the snow on my front steps. When it started sleeting I was just going home for lunch, when I slipped and slid back to work (I was driving Rico's Nissan truck since he has the car) there was no one there. Not one person. So I started calling cell phones and the phone system was busy. Traffic was piling up outside and one of the guys I reached was stuck in traffic on University due to a wreck and I was trying to get him over to Fair Park (he lives in Cabot and doesn't know that area very well while I had lived in that area).

So anyway... I'm babbling sorry... Long story short one of the guys I reached told me to go home. I couldn't reach my boss but really all of the guys are my bosses I'm just the office manager. Plus traffic was really getting bad. Luckily I only live 7 blocks away. My bosses wife called and told me to go home so man... I was out of there! I slid home on back streets and as soon as I got home Rico called to tell me he was leaving Memphis. That was at 1:30 this afternoon. It is now 6:05 and when I called him 20 min ago he was just this side of Brinkley which to people who don't live in Arkansas is about an hour away in normal conditions. Give or take an hour. It is a 2 1/2 hr drive from the office in Memphis to our house. Please let him just get home okay. He said he's driving on a solid sheet of ice. When he gets to town he has to drop off Bob at the hauling company where his car is and then Bob has to drive all the way home to Hot Springs. Why do people live in H.S. and work in LR??? I mean I would love to live in H.S. but not drive an hour or more into LR to work.

Babbling again... I know Rico is a good driver but it's not him I'm worried about. It's the other guy (Murrye knows what I'm saying, right girl?) who might plow into my husband

I'm not going to think that way. Rico will be home as soon as he can. But until he is I'm worried to death for him. Baby, I'm thinking good thoughts so get your ass home to me now!

It should be fun to have the afternoon off of work to enjoy the first snowfall (and possibly only snowfall knowing Little Rock) of the season. To kick back and watch soap operas... Okay now what would EVER possess that stupid Dummy Rumsfeld and his sidekick to have a news conference when every one in the freaking world is supposed to be working at 2:00 in the afternoon when General Hospital is starting????? I mean really are they serious? I am glad to know more information about the bombing of the mess hall in Mosul. I've been trying to stay up on it since it happened but they didn't really say anything that couldn't have been said later or possibly run along the bottom of the screen. Call me a selfish stupid American woman but I don't get to watch my shows very often and the one time I do they have DR & the constant weather break in....

But I've worried myself to death all afternoon, paced the floor, chain smoked, you get the picture... When he gets home he's going to get the biggest hug and kiss he's had in a while. He'll be exhausted and I'll be wound up and talking his leg off as usual while he says "Uh huh" while I follow him around from room to room. I hate being apart from him at any time but now I'm apart and worried.

It reminds me of the first winter we moved here. It was either fall of 1999 or early 2000 when we had a HUGE snow storm. It wasn't as bad as the ice storm the next year but it was bad. Rico left work as soon as it started snowing. If you know Little Rock you'll get how bad this was... It took him 4 hours to get from I-30 & 65th street to Markham & Chenal where he parked the truck at the PetCo (it was a Staples then) and walked up to our apt which was another 7 or 8 blocks to Shadow Lake Apts. For anyone who doesn't know Little Rock... it's a 20 min drive at worst under normal conditions. Four hours. So when he called to say he was walking I bundled up, put leashes on the pooches and took off walking toward him. We met him 1/2 way and walked back with him so he'd know for sure I love him and wouldn't just sit in the warm apt waiting for him to walk up to me. I know he appreciated it.

So, now it's 6:25... I guess I'm just blogging to kill time. To keep my mind from wandering.

I'll go for now. Hopefully he'll be home soon and we can snuggle together to keep warm. It gets chilly in this big old house. Makes for some damn fine snuggling though. :-)

UPDATE: It's now 7:20 and Rico has travelled 30 miles. He was going to stop and get a room in Lonoke but nothing was available, the only available room was way back in Brinkley. I tried to get Bob to stay on our couch but he's determined to get a hotel room. Okay, I got him one but it's at I-30 & Geyer Springs which is in this weather damn near outer Mongolia for Rico. It means going all the way out dropping Bob off and then turning around and coming home. Normally a 10 min drive or so but tonight...???? My neighbor pulled up a few min ago and said that the roads in town aren't all that bad right now but it's just getting in out of the country and into the city. I sure hope he gets home soon. He sounds completely worn out. He's been up since 5:30 and driven 6 hours so far. Just home from Memphis!!! That doesn't count the time driving this morning and the damn meeting he had to endure.

I just want him home and I KNOW he wants to get home.

UPDATED UPDATE: Rico made it home at 8:45. I'm so relieved that he is home safe. I hope everyone just comes home safe tonight. Okay, one too many shots of bourbon and a whole lot of happiness that my man is tucked in safe for the night. I guess Bob kept wanting to stop and find a hotel but my Rico wanted to get home to me, thank (insert diety here)!!!!! Now if we could just find our neighbor's cat we'd all be safe and sound.....

Until later...

Well, Rico and I made our trip to see Jacob over the weekend. We got up at 5:30 a.m. and got ready then began our first leg of the journey which was Memphis for Rico's meeting. For some reason still unknown I-40 eastbound was shut down about 50 miles or so outside of Little Rock near the big town of Biscoe Arkansas. We had to take a detour and had no idea why. We tried to ask one of the policemen directing traffic but they just rudely waved us passed them. So we followed along blindly behind a stream of big rigs until we got to said town of Biscoe. There we turned to travel east along rinky dink Hwy 70 at a dead crawl until we got to Brinkley and were able to get back onto the Interstate. A trip that would have taken 10 min on the Interstate took over 30.

We finally got Rico to his meeting which ran from 9:45 to 11:00 so I was left to my own devices for a little while. I took a tour of my old neighborhood and drove by our old house. It was blue when we owned it and now it's painted yellow. Looks strange. Also who ever owns it removed my Bradford Pear tree from the front yard which I think is sad because I loved that tree. It was so pretty in the spring when it bloomed and it was the perfect size for the house but different strokes for different folks I suppose.

I played some lottery tickets while waiting to go get Rico but only won a free ticket and $3 which I used to buy more tickets but didn't win anything again. Oh well... I tried!

Finally I got Rico and we headed south on I-55 toward Brookhaven Mississippi. It took about 4 hours but we finally made it in about 4:00 or so. After taking a quick tour (real quick because it's a small town) we got a room, ate dinner and retired to the hotel because we were fading fast.

Saturday morning we were up with the birds and had plenty of time to kill before we were to be at the jail at 10:00. We waited until Shelley showed up and then went in. I was never so happy to see anyone as when my 6'5" baby walked through that door! I flew into his arms and let him swing me around and around until I was dizzy! We sat down to start our visit and I noticed a sparkly on Shelley's ring finger. Yup, they got engaged. They were afraid we'd freak out if they told us but we played it real cool. I mean, come on... They've dated on and off since they were 15 years old. We figured way back then that she'd end up our daughter-in-law. They just didn't want to tell us on Rico's birthday but we let them know we were happy for them but told them not to rush into anything!! There's plenty of time, they're only 23.

I went to the restroom about 10:45 and something told me when I went back in to double check that they for sure knew we were to have a 4 hour visit. Well imagine my shock and absolute rage to find out that they knew nothing about it. The inmate dude behind the screen asked the guard on duty who happens to be one of the biggest dickheads (pardon my language) that I have ever met. He said Jake got one hour period. I tried to explain to him that Ms. K (who is his boss) had assured me of our 4 hour visit. "No", says Ted the dickhead, "one hour" and walked off. I was sooo upset I was almost in tears. So I went back out to Jake, Rico and Shelley and told them what I had found out. I didn't want to cry in front of Jake so I put on a brave face and left (not happily) when the d.h. yelled for us to leave.

Well, let me tell you I wasn't about to let it go at that! I called information and got Ms. K's home number but some little kid said she wasn't there. Rico tried a few minutes later and got no answer. We sat out in the parking lot for 40 min before deciding to give it up and go on home. We stopped with Shelley so she could get gas and my cell phone rang. It was a woman who gave me Ms. K's number (I didn't tell her I'd gotten it but at least she confirmed it was the right number) and she said she didn't want to get anybody in trouble so she couldn't tell me who she was. I thanked her and Rico tried the number again. He got a little bit older kid than I had gotten and when Rico asked for Ms. K he was told she wasn't home but could he help (the kid) so Rico started saying we had an arrangement, blah, blah, and the boy said "Is this the jail?" Rico said no and the kid said "Is this Little Rock?" Rico said Yes and the kid promised to get in touch with his mom and have her fix the situation. He promised to call back. Well, he made good on one promise, but he didn't call back so after 30 min or so I called the jail and asked if Ms. K had called and they said yes we were supposed to get 4 hours but we could only see him until 2:00. So I asked if we could come right in and was told yes. This was 12:40.

We got back inside and the inmate running the show had his mom and son there and told us we couldn't go in until 1:00! I was pissed! So we stood outside and watched him with his visitors and followed him back in when he went. Jake was so happy to see us! He couldn't believe we had fought so hard to be able to get back in to see him. Then a family sat down next to us and the woman visiting her son was the one who had called me. They were really very happy to have helped and so was I. We got a total of two hours but it was so much better than one plus the satisfaction of walking back past Ted the d.h. and not even acknowledging him even though he was a total creep to me earlier. Jake said the d.h. tried to rile him up after we left the first time and probably thought Jake would be smart mouthed or something which would have gotten him into trouble but my boy was as sweet as pie to that creep and diffused the situation. He's a bigger man than me, that's for sure!

So we felt vindicated (somewhat) and left for home fairly happy. Hard to be too happy when you are leaving your kid behind. We got home to Little Rock a little after 9 on Saturday and were absolutely whipped. I was so tired yesterday I didn't want to get out of bed.

But, here I am... another day down. Jake called today at lunch and was just really happy we had come to visit and that we'd fought for more time with him. I guess when you are inside a place like that you start to think people forget about you. I know I probably would. I won't get to talk to him until after Christmas. I hate that he has spent his birthday, Shelley's birthday, Thanksgiving, his dad's birthday, my birthday in jail and now he'll be there for Christmas and New Year's too. I sure hope he learns his lesson from this whole thing because I'll strangle him if he EVER puts us or himself through this crap again.

I love and miss him and just want him home.

So that was my recent adventure in the idiotic. Doesn't that sound like fun???

I opened up my second blog page which I have never used to be able to post pictures. So if anyone wants to see pics of my house and whatever else I decide to put on there feel free. I figure it's got to be better than boring everyone with pictures, right?

So I spent the last hour or so downloading pics to Stephie's Page. I guess I need to put a link to it but I just don't feel like it right now. Either go to http://stephiespage.blogspot.com or link through my profile.

We leave tomorrow to go see Jake on Saturday. Rico has a meeting in Memphis and was supposed to ride with someone but now that person isn't going. We don't want to park the truck in Memphis overnight (we don't have anyplace to park it) so it looks like I'll be driving him. We leave about 6 am and then I get to hang out doing nothing all day until his meeting is over and we can then head south into Mississippi. Boy, it sure is going to be a long day for both of us.

I'll post about our visit when I get back.

Until later...

Ever since I decided to take work more serious it seems like it's spread to every aspect of my life!!! I am busier at home too and it seems like I am constantly running someplace in the evenings. That's why I haven't been able to post anything lately. Now I'm feeling frazzled! Part of it is the holiday's coming up. I went shopping for the people I work with on Sunday and even just spending $10 each on them that adds up to $90 not to mention trying to pick out gifts for 8 guys. I spent about 3 hours shopping for these knuckleheads and they will just have to be happy for what they get. I was going to just give Chili's gift cards but the presents I came up with look like they are worth more than $10 and a gift card is, well... It says $10 right there on it so I didn't want to look too cheap.

Besides my normal work busy-ness one of the guys computers crashed and I had to spend most of yesterday on the phone with Dell only to have to completely blow out the operation system and re-load it. Arrgghhh.... I hate having to do that and re-do everything to get someone back up and running normally. It's taken most of the day just to get him back to some semblance of normal. So as I'm doing that things keep piling up on my desk. And I mean PILING because the guys don't just set things down in any order they just throw it on there in great big piles. Yea...

I've also had to completely plan and order the caterer for our luncheon next week. I was pretty much like "Okay guys this is what we are eating. Don't argue!" And they were really very good about it. I think they know in the almost year and 1/2 that I've been working here that when I mean business, I mean business. Then I find out today that Rico's Christmas dinner is the same night as our lunch so I'm afraid I'll get free food (and lots of it) and not have any appetite left come dinner time. Oh well I suppose I'll manage somehow.

Then my mom called today. She's absolutely freaking out because the people who are buying my parent's house had their financing fall through and it was supposed to close tomorrow. Both houses were supposed to close tomorrow and my parents need the money from this house to help buy the new one. She has everything packed (even her food) and the mover's were supposed to come on Thursday. My dad took off two days this week to move and now he can't trade with anyone since Christmas is next week so he's got two days off for no reason. The people are telling Mom that they are supposed to hear from another loan company and should be able to close next week. Yeah, like moving the week of Christmas will be so fun. She's really upset too because Matt and Heather are going to her house for Christmas and Matt hasn't spent a Christmas with his grandma since we moved to Memphis in 1996. Matt won't care which house she's in or if it's a mess but my mom is soooo upset. I've told her (since in my job we deal with this all the time) people sometimes have problems with one loan company and are able to go through another and paperwork can be transferred. I sure hope these people come through. My mom has enough stress in her life, she really deserves a break. Bless her heart she even asked me if I thought she should unpack. I told her no because if they are able to close next week she'd just have to pack again. I wish I could help her.

Rico and I are going to see Jake this weekend and I called yesterday to see if we could spend more than just the regular one hour visit and the lady was great! We get a four hour visit! I'll post updates as they happen!

OU will be playing in the Orange Bowl! Yea!!! However I'm a little p*ssed off that Matt Linehart won the Heisman. I guess it's because I don't feel that USC has any legitimacy so I'm mad that their quarterback won. Oh, well... Jason White won at least three awards that I can find so I can't feel too badly for him. I was really hoping Adrian Peterson would make it as the first freshman winner. Well, he came in second anyway.

Okay, I really should get back to work. I just got a mini-break and decided to play some catch up here in my blogosphere. I just needed to vent I suppose. I guess there's nothing wrong with that.

Until later....

I'm feeling pretty good today, both mentally and physically. I am a little tired because Rico and I stayed up waaayyy too late last night and watched Sling Blade again. I don't think that Billy Bob Thornton will ever be able to top his performance in that movie. He wrote, directed and starred in it and all of the actors were perfect in their roles. I've always liked Dwight Yoakam but he was tooo scary as Doyle. And I believe that it helped re-launch John Ritter's career (rest his soul).

Anyway, things are back on track at work. I've been a busy bee and I feel better for it. I even got up the nerve to ask for the raise I was supposed to get in September but haven't yet. Don't know how much but it really doesn't matter. I feel like my attitude adjustment is taking hold. Figures that I'd pick Christmas time to start focusing on work. But I'm starting the new year on the right foot a little early.

I got to talk to Jacob for 45 min on Monday and told him we'd be down to see him in a couple of weeks. I have been so focused on going to see him though that it never occurred to me until yesterday that the day we go to see him is also Rico's birthday. Duh... And of course, it figures that a woman I know who used to live across the street is having her baby shower that day so I can't go (they have three girls and are finally having a boy!) and my next door neighbor's Christmas party is that night as well. I'm hoping to be back in time to just make an appearance. Although I've also thought about suggesting to Rico that we drive on down to New Orleans and spend the night. I mean, we'll only be about an hour or so away so why not, right? We were there for Easter last year, I'd like to see Bourbon Street at Christmas.

So, all in all, I'm feeling pretty good and kinda sassy! I like feeling this way and realize that I don't very often. I hope it lasts because I don't like feeling like a grump all of the time and I'm sure everyone else gets tired of it too!!

I came to a very sad realization about myself today. It had occurred to me before but I ignored it and now I wish I hadn't.

Ever since Jake was arrested my performance at work has sucked. No, that's not quite right... It's been damn near non-existent. I float through the day doing as little as possible and only what is required of me. No more, no less... I have several time consuming projects that I just keep putting off. And putting off. And... okay I think you get the picture. My heart and mind just aren't in it but I have got to get a major attitude adjustment and I have got to get it soon. As in starting tomorrow.

I heard a couple of the guys talking about getting their Christmas bonus. My boss hasn't mentioned one to me. Usually I get a check at the same time as the guys at Christmas. Sometimes my bonuses are given to me at my regularly scheduled pay period which since I just got paid today and didn't get a bonus I would normally expect it with my next check. But when my boss gives the guys a check he usually tells me to expect one to be coming, but today... nothing. Not even a hint that I would be getting anything and to be perfectly honest with myself, I don't deserve one. I am only floating through the day searching the internet when I should be working.

One of the projects that is literally piling up on my desk is the commercial files that need to be catalogued and filed. We have absolutely no space to file anything and that leads to my next project which is piling up under my desk and on top of every filing cabinet in my office. Since we are out of filing space I am supposed to be scanning in all old files (new ones too but I'll have to do that later) and disposing of them (old not new) to create more filing space. We have files dating back to 1990 and beyond. The reason I keep putting this one off is because when I scan the files in I can do absolutely nothing else on my computer. I can't set up new files I can't do anything because of the way the software works. So I put it off and put it off but I have to stop that! I will have to find a way to work around scanning and setting up new files. I have to get our office under control because as Office Manager that is my job. To make sure that the guys can find anything they need quickly. Filing is not one of my strong suits... I absolutely HATE filing! But it's part of my job and I am not upholding my end of the employment bargain. If I were the boss, I'd fire me. But I don't want to lose my job. I need this job and it really isn't difficult, it's actually one of the best jobs I've ever had.

So, Stephie has to get her shit together, get her head on straight and commit to 8 full hours of work 5 days a week.

Personal problems should never be brought into the workplace and I know this. It is something I have always prided myself on in the past. Where did that hardworking, reliable worker inside me go? On vacation? I sure hope that's it because the mental vacation is over and work must be done!

I am making a pre-New Year's resolution to change my sad pathetic ways and start giving 110% while at work. I only hope that this realization and determination lasts through the night so that tomorrow I can begin to be a better employee.

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me... Plus, my boss will never even consider training me to become a commercial appraiser if I can't prove my worth as Office Manager.

I am ready to begin anew! I think...


UPDATE: Okay, to let you know how sad I really am, while paying bills at work this morning I noticed that no one had received Christmas bonuses yet. I guess I'm just losing my mind and feeling guilty about it.

Rico and I participated in our first Toys for Tots run Saturday and a great time was had by all! I posted some pics but I don't think they all showed up. Typical...

We started out the morning at BFI with a few of our friends and from there went to McDonald's for some much needed food! We continued on to Rodney's to join all of the other bikes. I couldn't believe how many showed up. I think there were between 2000 and 3000 bikes but we haven't been able to get an estimate yet. After we got rolling it was so much fun to see all of the people who had lined up along the route to watch us go by. A friend of ours, Lisa, said she watched and thought she saw us but wasn't sure. She said it took 45 min for all of the bikes to go by. We ended up at War Memorial Stadium and I was soooo thirsty! We stood in a line and a marine gave us a cup! Yea! Drink! Uh, no... we were in the food line and instead of having the drinks at the end of that line there was yet another line to wait in for Coca-Cola... forget that! We ate our food and headed for the exit. Why stand around outside with a bunch of thirsty people when we could go to Zack's and actually have a beer!

I got my pin for my jacket and I think we will definitely be riding again next year. There are so many needy children that it felt really nice to be a part of giving them a nice Christmas. I was also able to take a picture of a really nice guy in a wheelchair with the bald eagle they had at the event and e-mailed it to a friend of his for his mother. I hope it came out okay for them.

Worked a little on outside decorations today but it has been raining all day so it was pretty limited. I pretty much just clean house a little, watched the Davis Cup final (damn it Andy I know you aren't great on clay but you could have given Moya a little bit more of a run for his money instead of going out in straight sets!), and made sure that OU would be playing USC in the Orange Bowl. Now maybe the record can be set straight on who exactly is #1. Not going to jinx it but I think I know the answer.

Well, I still have laundry to finish so I guess I'll get busy. Yea!, almost 6:00 and I'm still doing laundry! Yea!.... Oh, yeah... a great time was had by all....

Until later...

Our bikes before the ride. 

Rico wanted me to work the camera phone, the toy and my gloves from the back of the bike! 

We were all waiting!!! 

Me & my toy for the tots 

The post for today is below the pictures so you should read it first to fully understand the pics.

Willie Joe, soon to be our latest addition to the household... 

Doesn't Mom put out a nice spread? 

Mom, by Saskia 

Thankgiving table setting by Saskia... 

Aunt Shirley with Saskia Gretchen Dodson as photographer. 

I'm going to be very schizophrenic this week. I'm going to bounce around a bit so please just bear with me. If you can't put the clues together it's because there are no answers. I just have so much crap in my head that if I don't let some of it out my head will explode.

I'll start with yesterday... I got so depressed that I cried all afternoon. I couldn't stop. I knew it would give me a sinus headache (and it did!) but I couldn't help it. I sucked it up about 3:00pm and went to the store. In the car parked in front of me there was a woman with her shirt up over her face. I could tell she was crying. I tapped on her window and after she rolled it down I asked if she was okay. She nodded and I asked if I could do anything to help her. She said no. I looked into her tear swollen eyes and told her that I'd been unable to stop crying all day and that all she needed was a hug. I hugged her and went into the store. When I came back out she wasn't crying anymore. I hope I helped her.

I came home and decided to call my Mommy since I was so depressed. Why did I bother? Every time I have a sad moment she starts with her crap. If Rico and I had done things differently, we only have eyes for each other and worst of all, she had the emotions of every fight Rico and I have ever been in over the last 15 years. Every time I was stupid enough to just want my mother to just... listen. No judgements or self-indulged strategic let-down of her only daughter. Just my mom. I try to do that for the boys. I never tell them (well hardly ever) what to do. I listen and try to explain life in the real world. I'm famous for cliche's with Matthew. Every cloud, silver lining blah blah blah... I got a million of them. But you know, I think he values them and really gets them. They seem to make him feel better (mostly) but he always looks back during the good times and remembers what I said during the bad times.

Jake only hears Jake. I sure hope that changes.

There is a point to this story. I try to be a more push the baby birds out of the nest type of person. The only problem is that we didn't push Jake out until 21 and Matt felt like he needed to go at 17. No matter what we do to try to teach our children about the real world it always backfires because the real world sucks.

My neighbors are going all out for Christmas. I understand why they are doing it (Kathy has a tour in a week and Lee loves decorating) but I just can't do it this year. I really wanted to but there's just no reason to celebrate. With Matthew in OK and Jake in jail it means nothing. I want to share a typical Christmas at my house. We never fix turkey, sometimes ham but usually I will try something different. Stuffed cornish game hen, pork stuffed with peaches one Thanksgiving, we are very unconventional when it comes to holiday meals. Matt comes over and spends a lot of time. He loves his presents and gives elaborate praise. There have been Christmases when I've left the tree up and Jake's unopened presents waiting on him to get over his snit whatever it may be. (We don't call him "Baby Jake" for nothing.) My kids have had to realize a few times that the bills come first. I remember one Christmas when I was given a 9 foot spruce and we couldn't put presents under it. The boys came to realize the value of new socks and underwear. Point of this story is I sure wish I could get into the holiday spirit.

I love Christmas. I love decorating. I love lights and garlands and a wreath on my door. I love for my Christmas tree to be in front of the window so the lights shine in the darkness.

My parents have an apricot toy poodle named Willie Joe. I may have mentioned him before. My mother can not stand animals in the house. She never has been able to. She has been talking about Rico and I taking him but we don't want to take Saskia's dog. She's had him since she was 3. (she's 5 now and that's a long time for a little girl) But Mom's been noticing that Willie has been peeing in her house. She's moving into a new house this month and she called me today to tell me she's sending Willie home with Matt at Christmas. Why didn't she just let us take him home at Thanksgiving? I don't want to take my niece's puppy. But Mom's going to do what Mom's going to do. I should have 5 animals by New Year's. I don't know if I'm glad or sad. I'll always take him to visit Sauce when I come to Mom's. I'll leave all the others home and take WJ. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Speaking of Saskia she used my camera phone over TG and I'm going to post a couple of pics that she took. They may be fuzzy but she's 5.

I'm getting very tired and we have a toy run in the morning so I'm going to post the pics if I stay awake long enough.

Until later....

I'm still not feeling well but I'm getting a little better so that's all I'm going to add about that subject.

I have got to get to Mississippi to see Jacob. I haven't seen him since the beginning of August and it is amazing how fast time has flown. Probably not for him though...

I really want to go see him but I don't want to go alone. For some reason Rico just refuses to make time to make the 7 hour drive to see him. We'd only get to visit for 1 hour since they changed the visiting rules but I need to go! I guess Rico doesn't want to see Jake in jail but I cannot make the drive on my own. I can make a 5 hour drive to see my mom but it about wipes me out so badly that I can barely visit. I don't drive well at night since my night vision is soooo poor so I'd have to take time off work (and here I am sick and having to do that without the benefit of seeing my son). My brother-in-law Allen Dale has offered to come to Little Rock and pick me up then we could drive down together and see Jake but I don't know if that would be too weird for Rico. I mean, it's not like we'd be running off for some romantic tryst but it's his brother and if Allen can make the trip will Rico feel like we are cutting him out? But for goodness sake Rico should be the one to go and if I go without him it's his own damn fault!

I really hate to ask Allen to do that because that would be over 5 hours for him to drive to Little Rock from Norman Oklahoma and then another 7 to Mississippi then back again. That's just too much to ask.

I suppose I could ask Matt & Heather to go with me but to be honest as much as I love them that's a long trip with the two of them and they are the drama queen's in the family.

I just know I have to do it before Christmas with or without anybody's help. I wish I could go this weekend but there is just no way I could make that drive the way I feel. I'm going to try to talk to Rico again and tell him (nag him, whatever...) that it doesn't matter what he wants. He can go or stay here but I'm going. Why should I have to do that? Why is it up to me to be the one to force the issue? Is it a mom thing? Why can't he just want to do the right thing and go see our son? I'm starting to get really angry with him and he's not even here and we haven't talked about it in about a week so I guess I just need to calm down, be the adult in our marriage and do it. Unfortunately I won't be able to talk to him tonight. He worked late last night and is working late again tonight. He'll come in tired and if I bring it up he'll think I just want to fight.

Being an adult is so damn difficult. I wish I were five again...