Stephie's Thoughts

Didn't realize it had been so long....

2006-10-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

It sure has been a long time since I've updated, huh? We got moved to Oklahoma over the summer. We bought a really nice house here and were able to sell our house in Little Rock in only two weeks. Wow. What a hassle all of that was! I'm so glad it's over. We are still not 100% settled into the new house but we are working on it. We opted for a newer house instead of an historic house like we had in LR. This one even has a central vacuum system. It's so much different. But we felt that we were tired of always having a work in process and wanted an end result. We have a beautiful backyard with a koi pond. The yard is sectioned out to be more like three yards than just one. The landscaping is wonderful. Unfortunately we had a tree die right after we moved in and it was central to the landscaping but we are hoping to fix that area in the spring.

Rico loves his job but it's been a lot of hard work and late hours. Hopefully that will change after the start of the new year. I'm working as well. But I'm really not sure yet if this is the job for me. Time will tell, I suppose.

I really miss Matt and Heather. I didn't see them all that often when we lived close and I'm afraid it'll just get worse. On the up side, I have seen my Mom more in the last three months than I'd seen her in the last three years.

I really feel like I should have more to say but my inner voice has been pretty worn out and tired lately. Maybe I'll just stop here and hope that I'll be able to get back into the swing of blogging soon.

Until later....

Moving sucks...

2006-05-22T14:30:00.000-07:00

I will be so glad when this move is OVER! Today I spent almost 4 hrs with a home inspector telling me all the things wrong with my 96 yr old house, uh, dude, I knew that already! Except for two things I didn't know.... We have a leak under the laundry room sink and under the house in that area. Great. Just what I needed to hear. I already have to find a way to come up with $$ for closing, getting the porch fixed, fixing the kitchen ceiling and paying bills. What next? Take my firstborn child, please!

Speaking of children... Jake doesn't think he wants to move with us when (*cough* if *cough*) he's released. He wants to come back to LR. Right into the arms of his buddy who helped him get in trouble to begin with. Whatever....

Matt and Heather are about to move into a bigger apt. They are really down that we're leaving but understand the nature of the corporate beast. They came over Fri night and we had a really great visit. Matt says he's ready to get his GED since he's staring 22 in the face and doesn't want to be 30 and without, ya know? I sure hope he does it.

Rico likes his new job really well. I'm glad. He was so unhappy for so long, it's about time the man catches a break.

As for me? I'm the one dealing with the above mentioned crap, not to mention getting a realtor, dealing with the furniture being moved, being left behind... Oh, and my cats have started attacking me and the dogs at a drop of the hat. What's that all about? Rico thinks that since the animals are all pack animals, the cats are trying to assert their authority now that the alpha male is not in the house. He might be right. What ever it is, I wish they'd just stop. It's kinda scary to see your sweet little kittens launching themselves onto the head of a dog, growling and hissing and clawing. And when they attack me? That's just too weird.

Well, just some random thoughts. Guess I'd better go. Things to do, ya know? Yippee.......

Until later....

Well, we're moving...

2006-05-14T19:49:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm drunk. But I drove for 6 hours so I'm allowed. Right?

Whatever....

I' ve always hated the hiccups and I have them. Kill me....

I HATE THE HICCUPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We're moving. Rico got a job and we made an offer on a house.

He's there, I'm here.

I won't see him for two weeks.

Hiccups suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We close on June 9th if we qualify. I don't see how we wouldn't but it's always possible.

I hate hiccups!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck it. I have hiccups and PMS so ya'll can kiss my ass.

Anywho... I am so tired. I have to sleep.

Hiccups seem to be done.

I have to sleep.

Until later.............

Well, it's been a month....

2006-05-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, I've been away for awhile but I have a good reason. Rico got the job in Oklahoma. So, we are going to be moving. Yeah, uh, sucks in one respect... The whole selling the house here, buying a new one, finding a new job. God! I LOVE my job!!!!!! I'll never find a job that allows me to watch my soaps from 1 until 3 in the afternoon. Sigh. But I will be leaving one kid here and another in Mississippi. Hope Jake gets out soon. 'Cause he'll be coming to live with us. Matt and Heather are set to move into a new 2 bdrm apt in about a month. I never see him, but man, I'll miss him.

Anywho... we think we've found a house. It's not big and old like the one we have now, which btw I love my house, but it's nice and it's newer, so... yeah, I guess it'll be okay.

Okay, I'm really really tired so I'm signing off. I'll update as soon as I can but life is moving way too fast. I need a break.

Oh, I just had one! I went to New England for a week with my mom, aunt and cousin & had a great time. Boston is amazing. So is Cape Elizabeth and Kennebunkport. I'll have to post pics. But, I do feel like I suddenly need a vacation.

Kill me now....

Until later.....................................................................

Sorry about the tirade....

2006-04-10T08:15:00.000-07:00

I just want to apologize for my tirade last night. I just get really depressed sometimes and need to let it out.

This is one of the more serious entries....

2006-04-09T16:51:00.000-07:00

God I'm depressed. I just spent 3 days trying to recover from the fuck up that Rico caused to my computer. No, that's not the serious part.... Although if you've ever spent 3 days trying to repair your computer and had to ended up having to blow out the entire system and re-install everything then you know how depressing it can be.

*sigh* I have one kid in prison. I have another son who doesn't even come to see me when my husband is out of town, he's too fucking busy. Well, who am I to take offense? I mean, for fuck's sake, I raised the kid, I was there every single time he needed something, I was there for every single tooth he lost, every scraped knee... Hell, when a friend of his hit him in the shin with an axe who took him to the emergency room? Who was there when he had kidney stones so bad he needed to have a fucking shunt put in to allow him to pass them? Who was there when they pulled the shunt out? Do you know what that entails? If not, let's just say it was not a pretty sight.... Who was there when he hit his head on a brick wall and had to have stitches? Who was there when he was two months old and there was blood and spinal fluid building up on his brain and he had to have surgery to install tubes to drain it off? Who was there for every single moment of his life?

Well, in case you haven't figured it out,,,, that would be me. But I guess I don't even rate on his things to do list. Like just last night, who did he call to get my credit card number to call and pay his insurance before they cut it off.... who did he promise to pay back today? Yeah, me. But did he even call today to arrange to pay it back? Hell no. Do I need the money back? Well hell yeah, my husband isn't working. The money tree has gone belly up.

The kid in prison.... Well, need I say more?

I'm just so depressed that I don't know what to do. I have to be strong for my husband as he looks for another job. He's depressed. He feels that at 47 no one want him, he feels too old. In a world where companies are so quick to get rid of the older people in favor of younger idiots who will take less money, I feel bad for him. He has the experience but no one will hire him, what's up with that? Also, companies feel like they can take 4-6 months to make a decision.... well, what about our bills? We had to use our 401K AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! We will never retire.

Just kill me now.

Crossing our fingers and stuff...

2006-03-29T20:23:00.000-08:00

Well, Rico is in Oklahoma. He had a job interview today and we really hope he gets the job. He has a good feeling and I hope he's right. I even had him go by and look at a house I'd found and he absolutely fell in love with it. Which is a little weird since it's a two story and he's always hated them. But he wants this job, he wants this house. We're keeping our fingers crossed.

Jake has been moved but it's not good. He's way down in the second place he went. It's a long way away from us but he says it's going to be okay. He's going to finish his time, and hopefully he'll make parole in August. I had wanted to go to his parole hearing but he doesn't want us to. He said he can do it on his own or not, depending on what the parole board decides. He's so upbeat sometimes. I know it's an act but it does make me feel a little less scared for him.

Other than those two things, not much else going on. So, not going to be a bore, just wanted to give a quick update. I'll write more when I know more...

Until later...

Over a month...

2006-03-23T08:07:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been over a month since my last post and not much has happened. Jake should be moving to a new facility soon. Probably won't hear from him until he does move. Richard is still out of a job. He has had an interview in my hometown in Oklahoma (my mom was thrilled) but we haven't heard anything yet. He has another interview next week in Oklahoma City. Hopefully that one will pan out. So, it's looking more and more like we will have to move. I sure don't want to. I love my house and love my job, but it would be nice to be closer to our parents, who aren't getting any younger. It will suck to move away from Matthew but, hell, I never see him anyway. He's too wrapped up in his own life. He started a new job on Monday, back in the carpet/tile profession he was in for a while and had to give up. I haven't even heard how it's going. Richard says it's like he lives in another country instead of across town.

About the only thing that has been keeping me even half way sane is my soap opera message boards. I guess I've become as addicted to them as I used to be to blogging. More of an instant feedback, I suppose.

I'll still keep popping over here from time to time. But don't be surprised if I turn it into a Zach and Kendall fan campaign center. lol I seem to be addicted to All My Children and Zach and Kendall in particular. I am probably using them as an outlet for my depression, but I figure, at this point, what ever works... ;-)

Until later.....

Still unemployed....

2006-02-23T12:58:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update in case anyone still comes by. Rico is still unemployed. He's been looking and has had a few calls but nothing concrete at this time. One place is in my home town. My mom is thrilled. It's the job he really wants. He heard from them twice last week and nothing this week. Bummer. The other good possibility is a place in the town I went to college. They were supposed to call him twice this week for a phone interview but he hasn't heard from them yet. Bummer.

Jake is still in corrective whatever. He has about another month.

Matt is doing well, thank the heavens. Well except for his stupid car but so far he hasn't asked me for money so I'd say he's doing okay. *keeping fingers crossed*

Me? I'm just here. Still depressed. It seems to be worse lately, I guess because of the job crap. We are doing okay with just my income for now so I really don't know why I'm so down.

Rico has been at home for weeks now and it took him that long to totally screw up my laptop. I guess I'll be spending the evening trying to figure out what the hell he's done. If I can't figure it out, guess I'll just blow it out and re-install.

So, that's it for me boys and girls. I'll try to update again real soon. Maybe I'll have good news, right?

Until later....

Day 12...

2006-01-31T08:32:00.000-08:00

Well, it's Day 12 of the job hunting for Rico. He's gotten some interesting calls but not interesting enough. Still haven't heard back about the OKC job. He put his resume in to a couple places here in LR that seem promising but he has only had one phone interview and the guy was pretty much a jerk.

He's starting to get a little discouraged but it's only been less than two weeks. He just wishes he would get a phone call or an interview. Me too.

We got a letter from Jake. He's still in corrective behavior someting or other and can't call until it's done. He has until March 15 or so and then we are hoping he'll get moved someplace closer.

Matt is doing really well. I'm really proud of him lately. He seems to be growing up and learning from other people's mistakes. I hope he continues on this path. Now if he'd only get his GED I'd really be happy.

Well, that's it on this front. Nothing exciting, nothing too bad, unless you count Rico being unemployed. I'll try to write more when I have something to write about.

Just when you think things couldn't get any better....

2006-01-19T13:24:00.000-08:00

Well, we are now short one paycheck in the family. No more job for Rico. He'll be looking but it's just par for the course around our house these days. He's actually happy because he hated his job so much but now we will be struggling while he finds something else to do. Another savings nest egg going to pay for bills. We did this six years ago. When we moved to Little Rock we had to use our savings to pay our second mortgage so we could sell the house. Now we have to use it for bills until we have another job. I mean, I have my job but big whoop. My salary had just gotten to a point where it was the "extra money", you know? The money we had left over after paying bills. We had, thankfully, just paid off one of our cars and our furniture. That will help some but not very much.

Well, let the games begin and the chips fall where they may.

A letter to Jake (this is where my mind is always)...

2006-01-15T19:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Jake,

Your Dad told me to keep my letter generic, you know, just the mundane stuff, but I'm really worried. I'm worried because we haven't heard from you after our last letter. I know that you are in a situation where you feel you have to be tough to survive and maybe you are mad at us but all we are doing is worrying about your well being. You need to know that we are here, on the outside, trying our best to take care of your business so that when you come home you are in a position to truly start over.

You can't get sucked into this lifestyle. This pattern of trusting people wo will only bing you to harm. Did you know that E has never called us? I even tried calling his last known number a few weeks ago and never heard back from him.

I am not going to say anything against E. You think he is your friend and I hope that he is. However, the only people who are ever truly there for you are family.

I watch a lot of prison shows. You may think that they are corny but I'll tell you something. From listening to the prisoners that are interviewed I've learned two things very well. Number One: Family is the most important thing. Friends promise to stand by you but family really does. And Number Two: The majority of inmates return to prison. I don't want you to be of the majority . I want you to be of the minority in this instance. I want you to embrace your family and know that we love you more than anyone or anything on this earth. I want you to stop your destructive behavior and come home to us. I want you to believe that you can live by the laws of the land and improve yourself to the point where this is only a small chapter in your life. That someday you can look back and tell your children, should you choose to have them, or if life gives you that opportunity, of the time where you made a major mistake and chose to learn from it.

Do not let this time in your life define you life. Do this for me. Do this for your family. But most importantly and above all else, do this for YOU.

Please Jake. Take this time that you have been given to serve as a time of learning. I am not saying that your father or myself have always done the right thing, but we have tried. That's the important thing, I think, trying. So if I say, do as I say and not as I do, this is for your own sake.

Please. Learn from this experience. Grow from this experience. Live a better life from here on in. Can you do this? I honestly believe you can.

I love you, son. I want the best for you. Please listen to what I am saying with an open mind and an open heart. For your sake.

All my love, forever...

Mom

2006...

2006-01-05T12:08:00.000-08:00

Well, here it is. In full swing. Already the 5th, my how time flies. December was a busy month. Rico's birthday, Christmas, our anniversary and New Year's. Yep, pretty busy.

We went to Oklahoma for Christmas which was nice. Rico and his brother took their dad to the casino and they had a wonderful time. They spent over six hours just watching their dad have fun. He may not be around much longer. He's been feeling pretty bad off and on and we know he doesn't eat as well as he should. Practically lives on bologna. I didn't get to see him, but I had a great time with my mom that day.

We didn't have a Christmas with Matt and Heather. I haven't even seen Matt since we've been back. Talked to him, but not seen him. I did see Heather last Friday. She came over and gave me a massage. My back has been hurting and I started going to a chiropractor last week. She said I have a lot of tension in my upper back so I figured a massage would help. I had never had one and I enjoyed it immensely. I'm really not enjoying going to the chiropractor 3 times a week, but if it'll help...

I don't understand me. I had so many things to say for so long. These days I just don't feel like talking, writing, thinking. Where did the words go? Just writing this is like pulling teeth.

Guess I'll stop for today. Maybe the words will find me tomorrow? That would be nice.

Just one more depressing piece of news...

2005-12-15T13:45:00.000-08:00

Rico didn't get the job. He is still in the running for a job in OKC but we don't really want to move. If I wasn't depressed before.... yeah, that really sucks.

It's been over a month...

2005-12-14T08:30:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am. It's been over a month since I've written. I really didn't realize it had been that long. I've been depressed lately. Holidays, Jacob, stuff... Jacob messed up and got into trouble in prison so he will have to go to another, bigger and badder one for 90 days for punishment. He hopes to move to another facility even closer to us after this. Shelley broke their engagement. I figured she would. At least she went and saw him in person to do it. He deserved that much.

Rico is hoping to hear today if he gets a new job. It's in an industry he was in for 10 years before making the move to his current one. He really would like to get it. He's been down waiting to hear. It could be an excellent opportunity for him. Keeping my fingers crossed.

We are planning to go to Oklahoma for Christmas to visit family. We haven't spent a Christmas with them since we moved away. Actually, I always say that but I think we have spent one. Usually we go for Thanksgiving but we didn't this year. We had gone to see Jacob and then I had gone to Oklahoma City for a class and we just didn't want to get back out on the road. So this year, instead of the usual checks from Aunt Stephie I actually had to go buy gifts. I hate Christmas shopping. It's such a hassle and I can never find what I'm looking for. Oh, well, one more gift to buy for a guy I work with and I'm done.

My father-in-law has been ill. We are all worried about him and hope that we can convince him to either come live with us or move closer to my brother-in-law. He doesn't need to be alone anymore. He needs someone to take care of him. I hope he quits being so stubborn soon.

So, that's how exciting my life has been. As you can see, not very. I will try to update more often. Hope everyone is doing well. I am missing you all.

Until later....

Odds and Ends...

2005-11-10T13:44:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am again. Yippee. We had a really good visit with Jacob last weekend. It wasn't a particularly great trip, going to see your son in prison never is, I guess. Rico got off work right at 5:00 which is a feat in and of itself. We were on the road by 5:30. We got to a hotel in Mississippi at about 11:00 or so and then couldn't sleep until a little after midnight. The next morning, we got up and drove the 30 miles remaining and did the prison visit thing. Shelley was there and so was her grandmother. It was nice to finally meet her grandmother finally. She's done so much to help Jake out. After the visit, well, we turned right around and drove home and got home at 5:30 Saturday. I know that sounds like so much fun, doesn't it?

This weekend I am going to Oklahoma. I will leave Saturday morning, spend the night with my parents, then go on to OKC on Sunday. I'll be in class Mon & Tues and drive back Wed. Then Rico will go to Memphis Thurs and be back late Fri. Oh, boy howdy, I bet we have the most exciting lives ever!!!!

Oh, we bought a new car yesterday. Had a Honda Civic Hybrid and since Rico drives 8 minutes to work and I drive 2 the Hybrid really wasn't doing much for us. Plus, it was the perfect time to turn it in and about every three years we want a new car anyway. So, we got a really pretty blue Accord Coupe. I get to drive it on my trip this weekend so I can't wait for that. It's really very nice and has a lot of the extras our Hybrid didn't.

Okay, so that's what is going on in my world. So exciting that I just felt I'd bust if I didn't write it down. So glad I did. (sarcasm really doesn't translate well, does it?)

Update from Stephie...

2005-10-22T10:55:00.000-07:00

Not much going on. Well, so there you have it folks, I'm a boring little Stephie. Let's see if I can come up with something.

I've been sick on and off most of the week. Every stomach bug going around, I've gotten. Didn't take any time off from work because I'm so damn dedicated. Yeah, that's the reason...

We hired a girl to help out who lost almost everything in Katrina. She's from Metarie and lived on the second floor of an apartment building. The roof was torn off of the third floor and the water got into their apartment. After living in a hotel (a really yucky, roach infested hotel) for weeks they just got into an apartment here in LR yesterday. She's really happy to not be homeless or jobless anymore. I really like her and look forward to working with her. She is married and has a three year old daughter. She also has a neice and nephew living with her and is eager to send them back down south as soon as their school re-opens. I guess the nephew has ADHD and is a real handful.

We went to the fair last weekend and had a great time. We spent way too much money, but hey, that's what fairs are for, right? Rico and I have discovered the joys of the fair without children in the last few years and look forward to going now like we really never did when the boys were little. They always had a blast but we never did. Now we are free to really enjoy ourselves.

Matt has bronchitis. Poor guy, he doesn't have any insurance so he's just suffering. He got a new job. His flooring job wasn't bringing in any work so he started working for a pizza place and after four days they gave him a raise and he is being groomed for a daytime manager position. He was always really good at this sort of work. He started when he was fourteen and when he was sixteen he was a night time manager for two different restaurants. He is really enjoying his job and is looking forward to being a manager again. I'm proud of him and really glad he's working steadily. Takes some pressure off of me.

We are planning on going to see Jacob November 5th. It's the first time we've seen him since March. He's been pretty pissy with us lately and Rico isn't even sure we should go or that he would want to see us, but as his mother, I really don't care if he wants to see us or not. I'm going anyway. So there.

Then the next weekend I will be going to Oklahoma. I have a class to attend for work on that Monday and Tuesday so I'm going Saturday to Sapulpa to spend the night with my parents then on to OKC on Sunday. My brother in law lives in Norman so we plan on spending the evenings hanging out. It should be pretty cool. I'll then drive back on Wednesday because the class doesn't end until Tuesday at 5:00 and Rico won't let me drive in the dark. I have terrible night vision and tend to get sleepy. So, makes sense I don't drive at night, right?

We have been working some on our porch. At this rate we should finish it by next year. We are so slow and it's really hard work. If we had known the porch was in this bad a shape we would have just hired someone to re-do it top to bottom. Live and learn I guess.

Well, that's about it on the home front. Not much going on as I said. I really apologize for not writing more often, I just have been suffering from a slight depression and haven't felt like doing much of anything. So, I'll try to write more. I don't know how many of my friends are still checking in with me but I miss you all and hope to catch up with you soon. I've missed you.

Take care! Until later....

Okay, I know I haven't been writing much...

2005-10-04T09:17:00.000-07:00

There really hasn't been much going on so I have not written anything in a while. Sorry.

But, here's something Sue tagged me on so I thought I would give it a try. I'm not very good with these things. Here goes (and Sue remember you asked for it!)...

5 things I plan to do before I die:

Write a novel
Visit New York City
Carnival in Rio
Move back to Oklahoma
Visit Vancouver (yeah, Sue, I’m coming for ya!)

5 things I can do:

Sing the Mickey Mouse Club theme song backward
Ride a horse
Operate a backhoe
Replace a hard drive on a computer, and just about anything else in there
Pet four animals at one time

5 things I cannot do:

Sing (for real, as in carry a tune!)
Drive a motorcycle
Tolerate heights (very scary!)
Algebra (most math)
Anything very physical these days

5 things that attract me to the opposite sex:

Honesty
Sense of humor
Giving nature
Intelligent (or sometimes not) conversations
Love of pets

5 things I say most often:

Oh, dear
Insert animal here, stop it
I have a headache
Insert animal here, move out of my way
I love you

5 celebrity crushes:

George Clooney
Christopher Knight (yeah, Peter Brady, that's right!)
Viggo Mortensen
Johnny Depp
James Spader

5 people to inflict this meme on (and no pressure - if you don't want to, no worries at all!):

I'm not going to inflict it on anybody. If anyone wants to do it, just let me know and I'd love to come see what you wrote.

I am very upset...

2005-09-23T09:38:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am PISSED off. Jacob called last night and he was a total jerk. He was going on about how he was only going to call once a month because it costs us too much and how he will probably just marry Shelley while in jail and parole out to her grandmother's house. I don't know what his baby problem was but he made me see red. I told him during our conversation that his dad's job was very uncertain and there was another one he was being considered for in another part of the state. I don't want to move. But we might have to. Jake was saying how he wouldn't want to live in that area so he would stay in Mississippi. His tone was so hateful. He said he didn't want to live with people who would turn him into the police if he broke the law. Hello???? Don't break the law. There, now no one has any need to call the police. He was acting like he would just go back to the way he was before prison. I am going to write him a nice little letter telling him that if he is so ungrateful for the things we have done for him then we will just stop. We've been paying his bills, I called umpteen people trying to get him transferred and was yelled at and hung up on.

Ungrateful little bastard. Okay, I've made myself angry again. Maybe I'll write more later and try to make some sense. ARGH!

-------------------------------
Okay, here's the letter I wrote him this afternoon:

September 23, 2005

Dear Jake,
I’m a little confused about your phone call last night. Confused and upset is more like it. I felt like you were angry with your father and me for some reason and we haven’t given you any reason to get angry with us. As a matter of fact, all we have done is bend over backward to help you. I have been yelled at, given the run around and hung up on by so many people during the past few months when I was trying to get you moved. Thank heaven for M as well. But I don’t think you realize what I went through to get you where you are now.

Also, we have been paying your bills and have planned on doing it until you get out so long as your dad doesn’t lose his job before then. We pay your car payment, insurance, and credit card debt and send money to you when you ask, not to mention the fact that we make sure that there is money in your bank account so that the loan is paid too. Thankfully, Eric has helped. But his help has only been a drop in the bucket.

Do these things matter to you? Or are we just wasting our time? I’m not trying to guilt you into anything, I’m stating facts.

Also, you made a comment about not wanting to live in a house where someone would call the police on you if you break your parole when you get out. That should be a dead issue unless you are planning on breaking the law again and I don’t think you are.

If you want to stay in Mississippi, fine. Stay there. You’re an adult. But you were, or at least seemed like you were, making plans for you and Shelley to live with us so we could help you get on your feet and you could help us out too. You don’t want to help us now?

If you are angry because we aren’t writing as much, well, it’s been really busy at work for both of us. Also we wanted to make sure you were settled. Mainly it’s the really busy part. D was fired and they would have fired Richard if R hadn’t already given his two week notice. They will probably fire him after budget season unless he finds a job before they do. If you are angry we haven’t been to see you, we had my family for Labor Day weekend and then we had to take the motorcycle the next weekend to my parents in Ft Smith. My dad bought our motorcycle to help us reduce debt. Right at motorcycle season. Great right? Some fun that is.

So what ever issues you have with us, I don’t think you have any reason to have issues. All we have done is help you. If you can’t see that, I don’t know what to tell you.

We love you and hope that you are doing good in the new facility.

Mom

Happy Birthday to Me...

2005-09-20T09:33:00.000-07:00

Well, another year come and gone. Yippee. So far, I had to remind Rico, got a call from a friend of mine and an e-mail from my Mom. Matt probably doesn't even remember. Especially since he owes me $100, right? That's what I figured.

Sue's birthday is 9/22 so be sure to pop over and wish her well (her and her new little I-Pod!).

Well, they got the my life's a mess part right, my house is clean though, finally! I had to get it that way for the visit I had over Labor Day and I am not about to let it get away from me.

You're Lebanon!

Your room's a mess. Your house is a mess. Heck, your life is a mess. It all used to be really beautiful, and someone even compared you to Paris once, but that's all been replaced with heartache and struggle. You're small, have been influenced by outsiders for too long, and don't know what to think about religion. At least you smell rather pleasant!
Take
the Country Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

Goodbye Hazel...

2005-09-19T14:12:00.000-07:00

Well, we took our motorcycle to my dad. We met my parents and my niece in Ft Smith on Saturday and loaded Hazel up on a trailer. I am sure going to miss that bike. But the next time we get one, we are going to get one with all the extras on it like saddle bags etc. It was really nice to see my parents and Saskia. We had lunch with them then headed back to LR. It was a nice day all in all. We celebrated both my birthday and my dad's. His is 9/26 and mine is tomorrow 9/20.

Not much has been going on here. Just work. Same stuff, different day, that sort of thing. I guess that's why I haven't been posting as much. Just not much to say.

I'll try to do better. But my life isn't all that interesting. :-) Jake is where we wanted him to be. Matt is, well... Matt. I could gripe about him all day. Rico is still Rico.

Hope everyone is doing well. I miss you all. I am trying to do better but it's been slow going.

Random...

2005-09-12T14:37:00.000-07:00

We have to sell our motorcycle. We are selling her to my dad to keep her in the family. Goodbye Hazel, it was a blast while it lasted.

Here is a really good site that I found right after Katrina hit. It's a journal kept by a guy in a building in downtown NO and the stuff they've been doing to try to help out other businesses in the area including city hall.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/interdictor/

You should really check it out beginning to current. Plus live cam feeds of downtown etc.

Until later....

Don't know if anyone's still with me...

2005-09-09T19:49:00.000-07:00

but, Jake got transferred today. He's now four hours away instead of ten.

I've been trying to get to the coast to volunteer but seem to be not qualified enough to help anyone.

I really hope that things aren't as bad (death toll wise) as they originally thought but I fear once the flood waters finish receding, there may be some bad shit in those attics.

God bless the people affected by this storm.

These people will survive. New Orleans itself has stood for 300 years. It will continue to survive and rebuild. I have never been to Mardi Gras even though I did get to visit NO in April of 2003 but I've always wanted to and plan to in the future.

A lot of the focus has been on NO. Please remember the people all along the coast who have lost everything. Think Waveland Mississippi. These people need us.

Whew...

2005-09-06T11:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, can you all hear my sigh of relief?

First, thank you all for your concern for Jake. He was finally able to contact us on Friday. He slept through the whole thing. He said "I grew up in Oklahoma, I'm used to tornadoes, this was just a bit bigger, no problem." Figures. ;-) Anyway, they have electricity and water. I guess prisoners HAVE to be taken care of. It's a rule. They've moved him to a minimum security area where he has more freedom. They are moving a lot of prisoners in from the areas that were hit the hardest. He hasn't seen a caseworker. He was supposed to be moved the night of the storm. Hopefully he'll see someone soon because there is a problem with his paperwork. It might be a while before he's moved though. It won't be their top priority and I can completely understand that.

Second, we had a wonderful weekend with my family. They loved my house. We took them to the Clinton Library and had a great time. The kids tried to go see the USS Razorback submarine in North LR but the line to get in was too long. It got a little tense at times with that many people in the house but Rico and I were quick to defuse all situations quickly and easily. Rico and my dad got out and had an afternoon of guy time and went looking at motorcycles. We walked on the river the night they got here. I think they finally get why we love Little Rock so much. But it was really nice when they left and I knew that I no longer have anything that absolutely has to be done. No yard sale, no company, no nothing. Feels kinda good.

So, now life should be returning to normal.

Oh, and I still don't know if Matt is going to the coast to work. Our friend who wants to hire him arrived in Mobile Sunday afternoon. Matt only worked two days last month and he and Heather have really been having money problems. He has a great opportunity to go learn how to operate large equipment and make some good money in the process. I really hope he goes. I know he doesn't want to leave Heather but she's encouraging him to go. She said if she wasn't already in the fall semester she would go down too. That area needs people to come down and re-build. I'd go if I could.

Okay, back to work. Hope you all are doing well. Love ya lots!

Link added 9/7/05:

http://www.nowpublic.com/

Where people can go to look for loved ones who may still be missing due to Katrina. They can also post people they are looking for. Just in case anyone needs to...

Things just keep getting better and better... Ugh.

2005-08-31T06:32:00.000-07:00

Still no word from Jake. He was supposed to have been moved Monday night. Well, of course that didn't happen. He hasn't called anyone. It's not like I can just call him. He wasn't on the coast but about 1 1/2 hrs (actually a little less more like an hour) from Mobile right about in the path so it would have been like Cat 3 or 2 when it hit his area.

Shelley's grandmother's house had a tree fall on her bedroom and bath. They were on the tail edge of the storm in Mississippi. They are without power. Shelley was in Memphis because her sister-in-law had a baby and can't get back home. One of their trees fell on the main road so her uncle and aunt were going to have to chainsaw it yesterday. Even Memphis had it's fair share of problems. About 100K people without power yesterday. But that's not too bad for a city that size, I guess.

I can't believe the massive damage on the coast and in New Orleans. The loss is staggering. My heart goes out to everyone down there who weren't lucky enough to get out in time. Or were unable to. There are so many poor people in that region and they have lost so much. And now with the rising flood waters and the looting... Sigh. You would think people would pull together instead of stealing from others during a tragedy.

I work with a guy who's mom works for Entergy. She left last night to go help the relief efforts. Most of the power lines they will have to fix are in swamps so they'll be using boats and helicopters. I think she does more of the coordination type stuff. But still, she's in for a tough time. She won't have water or electricity either for quite a while.

I heard this morning that the hotels in Little Rock are flooded with people who left before the storm hit. I have to call my mom and have her see if they will even honor her reservation. I bet they don't. I'll update on that later.

I guess that's all for now. My head has been hurting for two days straight. Stress combined with new contacts. (I haven't worn contacts in over 10 years and it's been no fun trying to get used to them)

Again, my thoughts and prayers are with the people who were touched by Katrina. Especially those who are still being touched by her even after she's gone.

Boy is life hectic!

2005-08-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, just a quick update. I know I've been terrible about blogging. I just haven't had time, really.

The yard sale sucked. It was good to spend time with Matt & Heather, but we made almost no money (I made $76 and M&H made $25), it was HOTTER than HELL, and we ended up throwing almost everything away. We had this nice computer desk that wouldn't sell, we put it on the curb and it was gone in an hour. Figures. My car is loaded with clothes that I have to take to The ARC and donate. Have to find time to do that... Sunday I was so sick from the heat I couldn't even go riding with Rico and a friend of ours. I tried to get up and get ready then about passed out. So they went riding and I laid on the couch watching old Maureen O'Hara movies on TCM. We did a little house work that evening but I never even got out of my p.j.'s.

Jake should be moved this week, we hope. The sheriff of the county he's going to called Shelley's grandmother this past Fri night and told her everything was set. Now we just wait.

Rico and I almost have our guest room (Jake's bedroom when he comes home) put together totally like a real room, not a storage area anymore. We'll finish it up tonight. Then we'll start working in the other room tomorrow night. We have thrown away more crap it's unreal. We also have to work in the yard tonight. I have totally neglected everything getting ready for that damn yard sale and now weeds are completely taking over my jasmine border. It's bad.

We are trying to get the house in shape for my family's visit over Labor Day weekend. We've let it go because no one hardly ever comes over so now we are paying for it. Plus we have to work some more on the porch this weekend. Probably all day Saturday will be spent on the porch then Sunday we need to go buy new dishes (I sold some and threw the rest away) and a few things to make the house look nicer for the "visit" like matching sheets for my couch and love seat. Due to animals we keep them covered but I just usually use what ever is available. I've decided to upgrade to matching sheets. Sounds fancy, huh? I could make big bucks as a decorator, right??

Anyway, that's what's been going on and will be going on for the next two weeks. So, if I can't check in with anyone, or even here, know that it's not because I don't love you all (because I do) I'm just wearing my ass thin and working my fingers to the bone.

Oh, and I'm still not smoking so that's a good thing.

Gotta run!

Until later.... (probably much later....)

Not blogging as much as I should...

2005-08-12T11:48:00.000-07:00

I have really been trying to get back into the blogging thing but it's been spotty at best and I apologize.

I am currently on Day 11 of not smoking. I've been extremely busy on the yard sale front not to mention getting my house ready for the whole famn damily coming to visit. I am making progress but I only have one week until the sale and I'm still scrambling.

Thank you all for supporting me and hanging in here even though I'm not posting much.

I promise I will update as possible and will try to get back regularly after Labor Day weekend.

Until later....

Quick Note...

2005-08-07T07:33:00.000-07:00

Day Five is behind me. It was the roughest yet. I really wanted to smoke all day from the minute I woke up until I went to bed. But I didn't. Last night I came close but thanks to my buddies (you know who you are!!) I remained smoke free. (A promise is a promise)

Thank you all for being here for me. I know my blogging has really been lax lately. Still getting ready for the yard sale which will be 8/20. Now that I've picked a date, I'm really scrambling. And my parents will be here Labor Day weekend so the house has to be gotten into some semblance of order. That's the toughie! hee hee...

Anyway.... I will try to do better. I know I keep saying that and I really mean it. Just a busy time and my mind is distracted constantly with the whole not smoking thing. I'm not great company right now, so you are all probably better off without me now anyway.

Love you all and thanks again for the support and encouragement.

Until later...

Day Three is almost behind me!

2005-08-04T16:17:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to update on the quitting.

Hope all are doing well! This quitting smoking has kinda taken control of me right now, but I'll be back to my "normal" self soon!

Love and miss you all!!!

YIPPEE!!!!

2005-08-03T06:22:00.000-07:00

One full day smoke free!!! Not a puff! Even got through our trivia game at Zack's without a cig.

When we got home I almost gave in to one puff but I didn't! I knew if I did I would just want one more later.

One day smoke free, working on two!!!!!

I know it's been a few days...(Updated re: Uncle Jimmy)

2005-08-01T13:36:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm sorry it's taken me a few days to update my blog. I've been working on the not smoking thing pretty seriously. I've joined a couple of quit smoking forums and have been spending some time trying to get a handle on the few cravings I have left.

I can actually get through the day without a cigarette. I just still seem to be having problems in the evening. I had been smoking about 2 cigs a night. The last 2-3 nights it's down to 1 1/2 cigs a night. So, getting better, huh?

Matt turned 21 last Thurs and we took him and Heather to Shogun's for dinner. Of course we got a smoking table and I should have sat where Matt did (on the end) but I sat in the middle. At first it looked like we'd get lucky and it would only be the four of us but another smoking couple were seated with us on my other side. I was still really good and didn't smoke at all. Until we got home and I had 1 1/2. Actually more like 1 and a couple of puffs.

It's been rough but seems to be getting a little easier. And the patch is re-imbursable through our health care spending account so I'm not spending money on cigs. I bought some baskets for my kitchen to hold cleaning clutter and a new lamp for my bedroom.

Still haven't had the yard sale. Have to pin Matt down. He's been working in West Memphis a lot and a lot of the work has been on the weekends. Have to get it done soon though...

My parents, brother, and niece and nephew are coming to visit over Labor Day weekend. I want that junk cleared out so Dave and Hunter have a place to sleep. My parents and Saskia will stay at a hotel. My mom doesn't do animals very well.

My Uncle Jimmy died last night. We weren't really close. He had been really sick and was dying but it looks like the hospital messed up really badly. They nicked a bowel which caused an infection that made his kidneys and liver shut down. They are going to do an autopsy. I feel badly for my aunt and my cousins. I mean, sure he was barely hanging on and they knew he was going to die soon but hospitals are supposed to cure people, not hasten their deaths.

***** Update: I just got off of the phone with my mother. Seems that my Uncle Jimmy was actually getting better and was not on his death bed when the hospital f*cked up. He had gone in for pneumonia and had a respirator down his throat so they added a feeding tube which nicked his colon and caused above reactions resulting in his death. He was not going to die as I had previously thought (it was touch and go for a while so I got confusing info from the family) The hospital tried to cover it up and a technician let it slip about a week ago when Jimmy's kidney's etc started to shut down. The doctors never said a word. My Aunt Joan is close to being committed due to a breakdown and the word is they may have retained an attorney last week when they found out the hospital had tried to cover up their error. Waiting on autopsy reports. Note: Hospitals SUCK!

Jake hasn't been transferred to the closer facility yet. Any day I hope.

Well, that's all I can think of at the moment. Thank you all for your support in this quitting smoking thing. It truly is the hardest thing I've ever done. The days are getting so much better I just hope I can get this feeling like I need even a puff at the end of the day behind me. Then I'll be truly Smoke Free!

Until later...

I WANT A CIGARETTE!!!!!! (Updated)

2005-07-26T20:24:00.000-07:00

I haven't had one since last night. I was very bad last night. 3 in a row. Not one today. I feel as if I'm losing it. Rico's out of town and I thought it would be easier. He's not here smoking. Then I call him and he says maybe I need a puff. Duh, ya think? But which is more important? A puff or a promise I made to myself? I feel horrible when I break promises. I'm coming out of my skin. I WANT to quit, I NEED to quit, but dear heaven above I want to smoke just a little. Just a puff or two?

Shit, I'm screwed.

Update - Told ya. I had a full cig and I'm going to have 1 more before I go to bed.

I've been smoking for 20 yrs. My neighbor (who is very sensible might I add?) even suggested that I should not be so hard on myself and if I absolutely can't do it, just remember how long I've been smoking and that habits like this are hard to break no matter how serious you are.

I almost made it, actually, it's been over 24 hrs. Just not one whole day.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll suceed. Send good thoughts...

A reply to Michelle at my quitting smoking forum...

2005-07-25T17:43:00.000-07:00

I don't do so well with stress. One minute my husband is completely proud of me and the next he is pushing my buttons so bad that I need a smoke. Tonight is one of THOSE nights. I'm smoking 1/2 a cig now. I really need strength and I don't know that I have it in me. I mean, I do, I want to quit!!!!!! But stress should be at a minumum right now, how to get the hubby to get it? I don't know. I HATE what smoking is doing to me. I don't hate smokers. To each his own. But I have to quit for my health. But the stress of my husband having stress about going out of town on business is too much. I realize that he is working too hard, I realize he is THE bread-winner of the family and I only have a JOB while he has a CAREER but G.D. I need support too!
Okay, guys, I'm having a total freaking melt-down... I am going to be completely honest. I am a freak, a geek, a weirdo with such incredible insecurities that I feel inadequate all of the time. But for me, quitting smoking is supposed to be about ME. It is supposed to be about me stopping something that is detrimental to my health. I feel about 2" tall. I need help and strength and support or I wouldn't be here.
My oldest son is in prison, my youngest son either hates me or just needs the money I don't have... My parents are finally coming to visit me from Oklahoma and I've had my house a year and 1/2 and they will not understand, even though I've tried to prepare them, that my house is 95 years old and no one has cared about it since the '70's.
I don't want to smoke but smoking seems to be the only thing that I have that I can use as a tool to relax. This is wrong. I mean, why should I care what anyone thinks about me? Because I always have... I don't want to smoke anymore. I want people to accept me, I am a neurotic, low-self-esteem, pathetic creature who just wants to be me. But I don't know who that is.
There is a song on the sound track for Mission Impossible II which states "I never wanted to be anybody's anything" and that is exactly the way I feel most of the time.
I'm sorry, I'm having a pity party and although no one has been invited I seem to be forcing people to listen.
I'll be back when I can control myself. Thank you all. I just feel like I'm fighting a battle I desperately want to win but know in my heart I will probably lose. Please keep thinking good thoughts. Maybe they will be the only thing that helps...

Rest of Day 3, Days 4 and 5 so far...(Updated)

2005-07-24T14:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, Day 3 ended badly. Matt and I got into a big fight and so I smoked. Probably 3 or 4, I don't remember. Day 4 went really well until we started watching a movie that evening. I miss the sitting-watching-a-movie-cigarette. (today we watched an old Bette Davis movie "Now, Voyager", they smoked through the whole movie) Rico said to treat it like we were at the theater and that he wouldn't smoke with me. I had one cigarette. Day 5 has been rough. I really want a smoke. I have taken to scraping paint off of my bedroom door to re-paint it. Everytime I want to smoke, I go scrape paint. Did I ever tell you the house is 95 years old? There is a LOT of paint. But my arms are terribly sore and I want to smoke. I would like this to be the day I say I didn't have a cig and never did after that date. This is rough. Mostly it's the habit. I know this. Then it becomes an obcessive compulsion that I can't stop thinking of.

Taking it minute by minute...

Update - Well, I smoked 1 1/2 cigs this evening, why are the evenings so hard?

Day 3...

2005-07-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

Only two puffs today at 2:35 pm. Can I have a Woo Hoo!!!???

The day's not over yet but I feel like I can really do this thing.

Day 2...

2005-07-21T15:05:00.000-07:00

Well, still a few puffs here & a few puffs there but overall, I'm really feeling good knowing that soon I won't even need that habit. As I've said, I don't need to smoke, it's just that I'm a creature of habit and very obsessive compulsive. I used to be a nail biter for years & years. It was very difficult to stop & I still will nibble at them if I break a nail. I have to remind myself how easy it would be to start again.

I know one thing though, I will stop smoking and will not start again. My health can't take it. So keep sending strong good thoughts and I promise to keep limiting my puffs until I am smoke-free.

Day 1...

2005-07-20T12:40:00.000-07:00

I got up and smoked 3/4 of a cigarette. Then I put my patch on and since then I have taken a few puffs here and there. I'm finding it's not the cig I really want, it's the habit of smoking. I usually take a smoke break at 9:30 and 11:00 am then have at least two during lunch, another break at 2:30 then 4:00 pm. Evenings are going to be the hardest. Rico and I usually smoke in sync. He's not quitting.

He also isn't going to be much of a support system. Today I was trying to tell him how anxious it was making me at lunch and he says "I didn't smoke all lunchtime. It's disrupting my smoking so blah blah blah..." When did it come to be about him? I am the one who is quitting. I want to quit. It's going to be hard on me though. You would think that a husband would think about what his wife is going through. I smoked for 21 years. Well, I guess I'll just have to go through it alone. Ain't life a bitch?

Two things...

2005-07-19T19:25:00.000-07:00

#1 - I used to absolutely love Tommy by The Who until we got the CD and Rico plays it ALL of the time!!!!!!!!!!! Save me...

#2 - Tomorrow I begin wearing the patch. I have to quit smoking. My lungs are liquid. Think good thoughts. I really want to quit. I need strength.

I've been remiss lately...

2005-07-18T13:58:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't been posting as much lately. Seems like things are just a little off kilter. Still trying to get ready for that stupid yard sale. Guess I'm dreading it so much that I've been dragging my ass. I really need to get in gear.

We've spoken to Jake a few times. I was able to send the money for him to transfer last week so hopefully in a week or two he'll be able to transfer to the closer facility. I really hope so because Shelley really needs him. She's been having some health problems and has been extremely depressed. I think that being able to see him more often will help her a little.

Our friend J is still in the hospital but we haven't been to visit, at his request, because he is so worn out and his family has been spending a lot of time with him.

Seems like I've been extremely tired lately. I slept almost all day yesterday. I even slept a lot on Saturday. I really needed that sleep because we went to some friends house for a party to watch the Taylor-Hopkins fight. We had a great time and of course the home town boy won but we didn't get home until after 1:00am and I am not used to that!

I'll try to be better but I get wrapped up in my own thoughts and let stuff slip by. Right now, the yard sale, Jake, Shelley and Matt turning 21 next week has me pretty much a mess.

Thank everyone who checks in on me. As I said, I'll try to do better. Hope you are all doing well and I miss you and love you all!

We spoke to Jake!

2005-07-08T15:40:00.000-07:00

First, I want to extend my sincere condolences to the families who lost loved ones or had loved ones injured in the London bombing.

We heard from Jake two nights ago. He called and explained that he will have a better chance getting his A&D if he transfers to the county where the sheriff has asked him to be moved. He may not get it there but he will be better able to transfer to a close facility that will give him the required program. They (where he is now) figure he has 7 years to go and there is a waiting list so he is not a high priority. He is to call again tonight at 8:00. I can't wait to hear his voice again.

The only downside is that a woman on a website that I belong to who have relatives in the Mississippi prison system said that the MDOC has been removing funds from inmates accounts when they are scheduled for transfer. Then, when they have lost their transfer window, so to speak, they put the money back in. This is an outrage and should be considered illegal. But, then again, we are talking about the American "justice" system.

It just feels like we take one step forward and fifty steps back every single day.

I hate this shit.

Some good news, some bad (?) news...

2005-07-05T15:07:00.000-07:00

I received a call from Shelley's aunt today. She had just heard from Jake and he told her that he was going to be transferred to a facility in Mississippi which would only be four hours away from us. The sheriff of that county is a family friend of Shelley's grandmother and wrote a letter requesting that he be moved to his jurisdiction (sp?). This is wonderful news! I am so excited!!

But, wait... I looked on the MDOC website and realized that the county he is going to be transferred to doesn't show that it has the Alcohol and Drug treatment that the court sentenced him to. They have never gotten him into it where he currently is. This could be a major problem. Rico looked on the MDOC site and said A&D runs anywhere from 3 months to 30 months. How do they decide who needs what? He has passed every drug test they have given him for the past (almost) year that he has been in so wouldn't you say he has already kicked any habit he might have had?

I e-mailed the woman in charge of transfers asking about this problem and she has referred it to the assistant warden. It just seems like it's one thing after another.

We still haven't gotten a call from Jake, I guess our letter telling him we got the phone problem fixed hasn't reached him yet. I can only hope he will call soon. I also hope this asst warden doesn't just blow me off and actually responds to my concerns.

Please keep your fingers crossed for us. We want him close so bad but nothing can jeopardize his parole. I'd rather have him where he is and get paroled on time than move closer so we can visit and not have him paroled. Sigh...

More Updates...

2005-07-01T15:27:00.000-07:00

We still have not been able to visit with J. He is only allowed family right now, but from what I understand he is doing better. Hopefully we can see him next week.

Sue, the bee sting is doing well, thanks for asking! Hope all is well. E-mail me when you get a chance!

Cav, thanks for stopping by, I've missed you. Hope you had a great trip to NYC.

13, I've missed you too, sweetie! Hope you are doing well and I hope to catch up with you soon.

I was able to take off a 1/2 day today and deal with the issue of Jacob not being able to call us. I had talked to his caseworker again and she said that we were on his list but his letters keep saying he can't get through. I called AT&T and they were no help so I thought I had to get another long distance carrier. But today I called the prison and spoke to the woman who handles the phone list. She gave me a number to call for some organization that deals with all of the prison calls. They had my number showing I owed $156.48 and I was like, WHAT??? They said it was from last August, which is the last time Jake was able to call collect. (While he was in county he could use a calling card) So they checked with SBC who told them I had paid my charges and they unlocked my phone to receive calls. I guess every time I pay my bill and the check clears, I have to call this place and tell them, then they have to verify it with my phone company. What a stupid set up! Argh!! But, oh, well, at least now I'll be able to hear my baby's voice again.

We hadn't been getting very many letters from Jake but we've gotten two in the last two days. We had been begging him to write more and I guess he finally decided to take us up on it. Yea!

Well, not much else going on. We are planning on a simple 4th of July weekend. Probably do some work on the house (the porch needs it!), maybe go for a ride and then have Matt & Heather over for a cookout. Matt's been kind of down because he hasn't been getting much work and his bills are all coming due. I don't know how to help him. Guess he'll have to figure it out himself. He will be 21 next month and he really needs to work on taking care of himself more. He really has been, though. Even though he's having major money problems, he hasn't asked for a dime. Makes me proud of him. Maybe he is growing up a little.

I hope everybody has a great and safe holiday weekend! I'll try to catch up with my friends I've been neglecting soon, I promise!

Until later....

J Update as of this afternoon...

2005-06-29T11:18:00.000-07:00

Here is what info I've received on our friend J from an e-mail sent to me by Rico(The whole story is the one below this if anybody hasn't read it yet...

Back brace for 4 to 5 months. We don't know if he will have to be in bed that whole time or not.

Pins and rods all through his ankles and legs.

Already talking about getting a cruiser and everyone in his family has jumped his shit about talking about getting a cycle already while in this condition.

As a young guy he may walk and get around okay, but as an old man he will be virtually crippled possibly.

He can have no visitors at this time. His family will keep us updated and let us know when he can have visitors.

Please keep Dragon and J in your thoughts...(Updated at bottom - 2nd)

2005-06-27T08:49:00.000-07:00

Well, our weekend started out pretty shaky. My father-in-law had to take his dog to the vet Thursday and again on Friday. Dragon is Jerrica’s puppy and he’s 14 ½ so he’s getting old. I guess he had gotten hot and had a stroke. He’s doing a little better now but it’s still up in the air as to how long the little guy has. It will kill my FIL to lose Dragon. His other dog (that he’d only had about 6months) died from some type of poisoning about a month ago. It’s been terribly hard on him.

We went to Thunder at the Rock on Friday night with a friend of ours and then we all three went on a Poker Run Saturday. It was a nice ride except for the bee that ricocheted off of Rico’s side and got stuck between my hand and leg. Yeah, it stung me the little creep. It hurt so bad I almost jumped off the back of the bike! Then we went to the river again to find out that our friend D had won 5th place in the Poker Run and received a really nice shirt worth $60 according to the price tag. Not too shabby, but Rico and I didn’t win anything. Oh, well, we still had a pretty good time.

After D got his prize we met up with another friend, J, and all had lunch at Sticky Fingerz Rock and Roll Chicken Shack. I love their song! It gets stuck in my head. Anyway, after lunch it was so HOT that Rico and I went home and tried to cool down. We took a nap and had planned on going back to the rally but were just too tired. So we decided we’d just go down to the rally again on Sunday for the bike giveaway drawing at 4:30.

About 2:00 pm Sunday we got a call from D’s son P. Our friend J that we’d had lunch with the day before was in a motorcycle accident Sunday morning. He had to be airlifted either from Mountain Home or Mountainburg, we aren’t sure yet. (Information is still trickling in.) What we do know is that he broke both legs and shattered his ankle. We decided to go to the rally to look for D and tell him. We found him about 3:30 and filled him in on J. He made a phone call and found out that J was just going into surgery and wouldn’t be out until about 8:00. We split up with D about 4:30 and didn’t hear anymore last night.

Rico has found out from work that J has 2 chipped vertebra and head trauma. We aren’t sure yet how serious it is. He does have feelings in his legs so that’s good news on the back injury. We are just waiting to find out about the head trauma. I’ll update when I know more.

I know that my online friends don’t know my friend J but this is helping me to deal with it so I appreciate you just being here for me.

I just got this e-mail from Rico... "Okay, D has now filled me in. J went off the road into a guard rail breaking both big bones in his upper thighs. One leg was bent forward towards his head......(I'm faint).....There is no head trauma, it is the chipped vertebrae that really has the doctors concerned, but they won't know until the swelling goes down."

He is in intensive care at UAMS. I'm so worried about him I can't seem to think about anything else.

6/28/05 - J is in surgery this morning so the doctors can try to remove the vertebra chips that are in his back. I hope that all goes well. He was in stable condition yesterday when I spoke to his ICU nurse. Hopefully they are able to remove the bone fragments and he will be able to heal. Keeping my fingers crossed...

Haven't posted much...

2005-06-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been around much. Things here are going okay but I don't really have too much to say. Rico hasn't been feeling well for a few days and I have been really tired. I think it's the heat. I just don't have any motivation.

Hopefully I can get back on track next week. I've been trying to go through stuff to have a yard sale and it's pretty time consuming. I hate the thought of having a yard sale but it's that or just throw stuff away.

Hope every one is doing well and I look forward to checking in on you soon.

Until later...

Do bad things really come in threes?

2005-06-17T12:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I had an interesting lunch hour. I was going home and in the vicinity of my house I saw tons of smoke and many, many fire trucks and ambulances. Seems the house two doors down from me was on fire. They were able to save my neighbors cat. Poor little thing was so scared that it ran back into the house and the fireman had to run back in and get it again. I loaned them my cat carrier because it was absolutely frightened.

I basically stood in the rain with all of my neighbors staring in awe at the amount of smoke pouring from the roof. I think most of the damage was in the back of the house and in the attic. They don’t know what started it yet. Hell, they were still trying to put it out when I came back to work. I’d had to call my boss to tell him I’d be late coming back because I was blocked in by an ambulance.

This is kind of weird because not even a week ago Murrye had a neighbor’s apartment burn and my mom had the house two doors down from her burn to the ground. Freaky, huh? Should have gotten pics with my mobile phone but it was raining and I was not thinking very straight. I am extremely high strung and my nerves are just shot from this. I can only imagine how my neighbor must feel. Things can be replaced, but not ALL things. Not pictures and teapots that belonged to your grandmother or other sentimental items.

I feel bad because all I kept thinking was “It wasn’t MY house!” and “I hope insurance covers it because our neighborhood does NOT need another empty or destroyed house. Not while we are trying to bring the whole area up to a standard close to what it used to be.” But, those were the thoughts running through my head. Also, the fact that I really need to get some stickers for my windows telling firemen/women that we have four animals and what they look like plus their names. Just in case, ya know?

So, that was my exciting lunch break. Now I’m at work and it is so dead around here I could fall asleep. No one is here hardly and the phones are quiet. I guess I’ll go do some filing. Yippee…

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Am I here for a reason? I'm beginning to wonder.

2005-06-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

Ever feel as if you are a bit player in your own life? As if everyone around you, even those you love the most, never think about you as being a unique human being with feelings and thoughts and emotions of your own?

I am not asking for specifics. Just a simple yes or no.

The caseworker lied to me. She hasn’t seen Jacob. She didn’t put us on his call list. He hasn't written. We are sick to death and it doesn't seem to make him want to write us. So, yeah, leave us in the dark. Like we know what prison is really like. Imagination is so much worse.

Matt only calls when he wants something.

My BIL gets a call from Jacob and doesn’t even call us at the same time knowing we want to hear from Jake and ask questions (get answers) even though he has like four freaking phone numbers. Oh, and don’t get me started on the bills we are paying for Jake while my BIL keeps Jake’s guns but doesn’t give us the money he promised to pay for them to help out.

My family in Oklahoma only remembers me as an afterthought, and I guess that’s supposed to be my fault since I was the one who moved away and they all live soooo close.

The guys I work for expect way too much. I mean what am I supposed to do? Wipe their asses too? Come on. They can’t fax their own shit? If I’m off sick, like I was yesterday as a matter of fact, then the whole place goes to absolute shit.

And then there are the things we do for the ones that we love that they expect as if we have no feelings whatsoever. As if we are only here to do for them. And if we were to even think of protesting it’s as if we don’t love them enough. How dare we not give them what they want when they want it? Oh, heaven forbid...

Just a simple yes or no, please?

I’m kind of in a really bad mood. Can ya tell?

Let's just put it this way... I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Another weekend come and gone...

2005-06-13T12:51:00.000-07:00

Ours started out pretty sucky.

I came home from work early on Friday and noticed something on the kitchen floor so my first thought was that the dogs had gotten into the trash. Then I noticed it was wet so I thought “Great, they got in the trash and Annie peed on it”. Then... I looked up. There was water dripping from my ceiling. The stuff on the floor was sheet rock. I immediately called Rico in a panic and he came home to find out what was going on.

Seems that whoever installed the drain line for the a/c condensation did a piss poor job. Our heater and blower are up in the attic. The condensation line goes down the wall and then under the house. From there it was like a rollercoaster and ended up with the end of it sticking straight up against the wall under the house. Well, of course water couldn’t drain from THAT. Rico spent most of Fri night and most of Saturday fixing it. Bless his heart, I wouldn’t go under the house or in the attic but he spent lots of time in both places. In the end we now have a working condensation line and a huge hole in our kitchen ceiling. Seems the water had run down hill to a joist and then when it couldn’t keep going it just decided on coming down into my kitchen about an inch out from the stove. Glad our stove is gas, but it does have some electrical units.

We had the a/c off from Fri afternoon until late Sat afternoon. Thankfully, we have a window unit in the back of the house so we spent the night in the guest room. I can’t believe we used to sleep on that bed! It’s a full size and we now have a queen. We had given the full size to Matt and it worked it’s way back to us so it’s our guest bed. Too small... I spent most of the night clinging to the edge hoping Rico and the dogs wouldn’t push me off onto the floor! But at least it was cool back there.

Now we have a cute pvc pipe sticking out of the brick dripping water all over the place. I had the perfect solution! I planted a hydrangea! It is on the shady side of the house and they need lots of water. Perfect don’t you think? Why waste perfectly good a/c water???

Sunday was less exciting but I did get a touch of heat stroke working in the side weed garden. I’m trying to remove the weeds. What a job when they’ve been taking over for so long! I burnt up! And of course at 5:00 the whole area was in shade. Dummy me should have just done the work then, huh? Ah, well... I never claimed to be the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Hope everyone else had a great weekend!!!

Update on Jacob...

2005-06-06T12:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally got the name of Jacob’s caseworker and wouldn’t you know she’s out until tomorrow morning. Just my luck. I have a list of things to talk to her about but this will give me some more time to make sure I don’t miss anything. After I get through with her she may never want to speak to me again. I’m not going to be hateful or anything. Kill them with kindness and all…

Two things have happened that have me a little upset. First, a guy tried to get Jake to join a gang. He had just gotten my letter not to do that so he said no, of course. I guess the guy was okay with it and he and Jake are still getting along. But SECOND, I just found out last night that some gang dude made threats against Jake. Jacob handled himself in the proper manner (whatever that entails) and now the guy is in trouble with his own gang. I hope the guy doesn’t hold grudges. Yeah, right. Jake needs to watch his back, I guess.

I know that things move slowly in the justice system (boy do I know that) but I really wish that these people were more on the ball. I guess the only time he spoke to his caseworker she had had a busy day and really cut him short. I don’t think they have his time served and work crew info added to his file so he is in a more restricted custody level than if they had the info. Don’t know if they HAVE it and haven’t done anything with it or if they DON’T HAVE it at all. Questions for the caseworker. I also want him to get transferred to another facility closer. I believe he put in for the transfer but without his time served etc it will prolong his approval. Then if he does get approved he will have to wait until they have an opening. Who knows how long that could be. Also, I’m more than a little upset that he hasn’t started his Alcohol and Drug Treatment that the courts ordered. Seems like that would be one of the first things they would get him started on.

I’m a little upset with Richard and my BIL. Those two talk to each other like they have done all of this stuff to get info but I’m the one who has done all of the work and will probably continue to be the only one doing it. My BIL loaned us the money for the attorney that we have since paid him back and Rico and I have transferred his two credit cards onto one of our much, much lower interest cards. So, the extent of their help so far has been financial. My work has consisted of e-mails and letters and constantly looking for any type of info on the internet that might help Jacob. I do grant Rico the kudos he deserves in one very important respect. He writes a letter to Jake every single day except weekends and then he’ll send at least another two more during the week to make up for it. I haven’t been as diligent but I’m working other angles. I write him about once a week with little notes on the letters that Rico sends out. I know I could do better but where is the boy going to keep all of that paper??? I hope they provide them with a filing cabinet!

Just wanted to post an update on the situation. I am going to also ask his caseworker if there is any way he can put us on his calling list without having to wait four more months. (MDOC website said they can only change it every 6 months)

I don’t know if he’s heard from Shelley, he hasn’t mentioned it in his letters. A few weeks ago he said that he hadn’t heard from her in over three weeks. I’ve tried to get hold of her and she hasn’t returned any of my messages. I’m afraid that she’s moved on. Not that it would really break my heart or Rico’s but it will tear Jake apart. He doesn’t need that right now. And if she is leaving him, she needs to do the right thing, suck it up, drive all the way down to see him and tell him herself. Period. I know her family has written to him and sent him a little money but I think that was at the beginning. He doesn’t write as much as we’d like and he seems to avoid answering questions like that so, maybe he hasn’t heard anything and just doesn’t want to deal with it right now. I wish he could call us…

Gotta run for now. Will write more when I have more time. Hope everyone had a great weekend!

UPDATE!!! I spoke to Jake's caseworker this morning! He has a parole date set for 8/2/06! She will get him the paperwork for transfer closer to us. She will add our phone number to his call list immediately! She sees him today. I'm so excited! Of course once he gets the paperwork in for transfer there are no guarantees and she said it would be pretty much up to his family to push to get him transferred but she told me who to go to when his paperwork is in.

This is the first time I have felt hopeful in so long. I should have asked what his chances are for getting paroled at the first hearing. I'm sure I'll have many more questions and then I'll call her back. She said I could call her anytime. I don't want to bug her but I made sure to let her know how much I appreciated her time and that I will probably be calling again. At least a tiny bit of weight has been lifted. For now.

Did ya miss me?????

2005-06-01T12:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I had an absolutely wonderful time at my parents! They have a beautiful new home that is perfectly decorated. I don’t really understand why, but for some reason I totally DID NOT inherit my mother’s ability to decorate or even put a house in order in six months or less. I spent a lot of time mulling over that fact and came home determined to change. Don’t know how long it will last but I’m willing to give it a shot.

We spent Friday just hanging out and drinking a little wine. Saturday we went shopping at my favorite store in Tulsa, the Goodwill Superstore!!! I got me a purse (brand new!) for $4, a top for $4.50 and an Old Navy dress for $7. I got Rico two pairs of dress slacks for $12 and a shirt for $4. I got Saskia a bunny in a ballerina outfit for $.25. This store is so cool, most of the stuff is just like brand new and I love going there! Then I got two pairs of summer shoes for $10 at a little shop in Sapulpa that my mom took me to. I love bargains!!!! (I won't even get into the Mom Closet shopping! That was super fly!)

Saturday night my dad drove us all up to Cleveland which is past Keystone Lake for some BBQ and a vanilla ice cream cone. Really took me back because before I met Rico my ex-fiancé and I had a bait shop at Keystone Lake and we drove right by it. Mom tries not to think of those days and I don’t really try but they are a part of my life and it’s hard not to remember when you actually lived it.

Rico didn’t get to his dad’s until Saturday since he had a meeting in Memphis on Friday and it started raining on him when he was coming back. (He was on the bike) So Sat morning he jumped on the bike again and headed to Grand Lake to see his dad. His brother came down and so did one of his sisters so he had a fairly good time. Then Sun he and his brother and dad went fishing. I really like when they are able to do these things together. I think it’s important for them and for Kenneth (my FIL) to spend time together.

While waiting for Rico to show up on Sun we ran over to Tulsa to the Flea Market which is right where I grew up. Again, seeing things that are from the past. Lots of memories...

So Rico didn’t get to Mom’s until about 4:30pm or after. He and Allen (my BIL) rolled in on the bikes road weary. But I was so glad to see him! I had really had a great time seeing my parents, my aunt, cousin’s kids, brother and niece but I had missed Rico the whole time. I even got him into the hot tub Sunday night thinking it would help since he’d been on the bike for such a long time but it just made us frisky! LOL

We left earlier Mon than I would have liked but rain was threatening and I didn’t want him to go on alone. I packed all kinds of clothes and stuff my mom gave me into the car and followed him back to Little Rock. We were home about 4:30pm and only got sprinkled on once or twice.

Tuesday we both took the day off and took the bike in for scheduled maintenance then did tons of yard and house work. We went to Zack’s to play trivia last night but I was so tired we left as soon as the big game started. I just couldn’t sit upright in my chair, I wanted to go home.

So, today, I’m back at work. Wishing I’d taken off just one more day...

I decided after being at my parents that I want (don’t want but need) to have a yard sale so I started making plans for that on Tuesday when I was wandering around the house. I HATE having yard sales, I’d rather throw it all away, but we do have quite a few things that will fetch a buck or two so I guess I’ll do it. I just never know what price to put on things. Mom said not to be too low but I don’t want to be too high either. Arghhh! As I said, I hate it. Besides, I will have to take off a day of work just to be able to have it since Fri and Sat are the best days. I wonder if you have to get a permit in Little Rock to have a yard sale? Hmmm... I sure hope not. But if any of my LR buddies know please tell me, okay?

Anyway, that’s the exciting weekend update. Hope everyone had a safe and wonderful Memorial Day weekend!!!!!

Am I terrible?

2005-05-25T18:05:00.000-07:00

Wives and girlfriends, (even guys, I guess), please tell me if I am wrong to be looking so forward to seeing my parents all weekend long? I mean, I half-assed offered to not go Friday and go with Rico on Saturday. (But he said no, to go as planned since we learned of his meeting.) Go to his dad's then my parent's, but I want to spend as much time with my mom as humanly possible. Shopping, gossiping, shopping in her closet (oh, my favorite!). I mean, my dad has to work late Friday and Saturday so I'll get Mom and Saskia from about 3:00 pm or so until about 8. Then Saturday from 4:00 am until about 7 pm. (It's my dad's late work weekends) I'm so excited! (not about my dad working so much, just to be able to kick it with Mom)

Then Rico will either go to his dad's Fri night or Sat (depends on how long his Memphis meeting lasts) and come to my parents Sun sometime. We'll either stay until Mon or Tues early since we have Tues off. (I'm hoping to work on the latter!)

I feel like a teenager on my first date. I haven't seen my family since Thanksgiving and that's a LONG time!!!! I've been picking out outfits to wear, wondering what shoes to take and, best part (!), wondering what clothes my mom bought me that is just waiting for me to try on and/or wear!!! Joy!

I have decided that if I won't allow myself to feel guilty about not going to see my son, then I will also not allow myself to feel guilty that my husband has a meeting that interferes with my plans to visit with my mom. So there, am I terrible?

Also, does anyone else sometimes (secretly) hope that their signifigant other will fall asleep early on a certain night because a show you like and they don't is coming on? Just wonderin'........

Hope everyone had a good weekend...

2005-05-23T08:49:00.000-07:00

Rico and I had a pretty good weekend. We took the motorcycle out Saturday. He had to go Friday and buy me a new sissy bar for the seat because last weekend he had some bright idea about taking it off and removing some rust around the bolt. Well the bolt broke off and then he ruined the seat trying to get the bolt out. So for just over $200 I have a new back for the seat. We really didn't have the money but we hadn't been on the bike in weeks and I won't go without the backrest.

So we spent Saturday just tooling around town mostly. Ate lunch downtown and then rode out over to North Little Rock because they were having some biker thing going on. They had the road blocked off and I kept telling Rico that he could drive through the barriers because the sign said motorcycle parking only. I showed him the cycles sitting on the street. But being a man, he decided that we couldn't get in that way and proceeded to turn the bike around and tipped us over. I had to jump clear of the bike to avoid being pinned underneath. The bike was fine, I am only a little scraped up and pretty sore on my left leg and arm but otherwise all is well. I was pretty embarrassed and kept looking around to see if anyone noticed but if they did they didn't act like it. Thanks for that! We then rode out into the country a little bit but I decided I wanted my helmet so we ran home and got them and then went out a little longer. I was hoping that we could try going down to the river again but the sun put a pretty big zap on our heads so we decided to stay home and relax.

Sunday we did housework mostly. Rico went grocery shopping and then cleaned the entire laundry room. I did some laundry then went shopping. Didn't do too badly, I got a pair of capri jeans, a tank top, a sleeveless top and two pairs of shoes for me. I got Rico two shirts, a pair of shorts and new swimming trunks. All for $150. I'm a pretty good shopper, huh? Then I came home and colored my hair. It's a little redder than I thought it would be. The box said dark auburn brown. Well, it's pretty red. Oh, well. It's only hair, right?

I'm really looking forward to this weekend. I've gotten over the guilt complex (mostly) and am excited about seeing my parents and their new house. I have to dig out my bathing suit, don't know where it is, because they have a hot tub and I definitely plan on getting in there and relaxing some. I'd really like to go out on my aunt's new boat but I don't know if we'll get to or not. The only thing I'm not crazy about is that Rico has to go to Memphis on Friday for a meeting. This screws up our driving plans. We had planned on going to his dad's Friday and then my mom's Sunday and coming home Tues. Now, I'll be driving by myself to Mom's on Friday, he'll go to Memphis then come home, get the bike and ride it to his dad's. He'll catch up with me at some point and we'll probably come home Monday to give us Tuesday to recover. It should still be a good weekend, I just wish we could ride together. Now if I could only get motivated to actually do some work this week but I really just want to go to my mommy's NOW!

Well, that's my exciting weekend update. Have a great day!

Still kind of down...

2005-05-19T13:54:00.000-07:00

I'm still in a funk, but it really has less to do with Matt at this point. Everyone made good points in that he's still young and at times insensitive.

Rico being out of town is hard on me but he'll be back tonight so that will make it a little better.

I guess what I'm down about at the moment is guilt. We are planning to go to Oklahoma for Memorial Day weekend to visit our family. We haven't seen them since Thanksgiving so this will be nice. I'll get to see my parents new house finally and get to spend some quality time with them. The reason I'm guilty is I feel like we should be going to see Jacob. It's like I am failing him by going to my parents instead of going to visit him. But he's so far away and I don't even know if he can receive visitors yet. You have to fill out some form and send it in way in advance to be able to visit and I still don't have a form. Shelley's aunt was supposed to send me one. I guess I'll have to call the prison myself to request one for later in the summer.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but knowing it doesn't really make it easier. I know there is no way I could get an approved visit to see him this late and the trip to OK is something I really need. I need my Mommy.

Hopefully, by the time I get there next weekend this feeling will have diminished and I'll have a great visit. That's what I'm hoping anyway.

I don't get it...

2005-05-17T19:41:00.000-07:00

How do I get my youngest son to care whether or I live or die? I had to call him tonight to get the number of the little fucker that should be in jail with Jacob.

I called this little piece of human waste and did as Jake asked, I gave him the address to write my son. I couldn't resist a jab or two not that it mattered to this waste of skin. But I did as my son asked.

Then I called Matthew back in tears trying my best to keep my rage in check and all I wanted to do was talk to one of my children about the other, about how I am feeling and what did he do? Matthew? The fruit of my loins? He told me he was watching a television show and didn't have time to listen to me. Okay, fine, screw it. I figured that he'd call back after the show but he didn't. He knew I was alone and that Rico was in Memphis but he still didn't call back. What am I? Horse shit? Or am I not even that respectable?

I don't get it. I knew I wasn't the best mother in the world, I mean, come on... June Cleaver I am not. But I at least thought that my children loved me in spite of it all.

I guess I was wrong.

Thank goodness blogging gives me a place to vent...

2005-05-17T07:17:00.000-07:00

I found an online forum that centers on people in the same position as our family with regards to Jacob. So far they have been very nice and helpful. Just having them know what I’m going through means a lot.

I was really upset that he was in with murderers and rapists but one of the fathers with a son in MDOC said that Mississippi doesn’t segregate the prisoners. They just throw them all in together. How is this supposed to keep people who have either committed white collar or non-violent crimes from learning how to be a true criminal? Is this rehabilitation? Is there such a thing anymore? Or does the justice system just figure that once you have gotten into their grubby hands you are forever unclean and a criminal? Bastards. Plus, from what I gather the gang activity is so bad that if someone doesn’t choose a gang to belong to and get their tattoo then everyone is out to kill them. If they do join a gang then only the other gangs are out to kill you. I wrote Jake a letter and told him he had BETTER NOT JOIN A GANG OR I WILL KILL HIM! No more tattoo’s (he has a couple but they aren’t gang related or anything) and if they try to shake him down for money, kick their ass. Jake is 6’4” and weighs just about 175-180 which is pure muscle. He has been working out daily (and I’m talking 1000 crunches, 300-500 sit-ups/push ups, etc) for the past 9 months and is a pretty intimidating sight. Thing is, he’s a big softy. Every body always loves Jake. Everybody always wants to be his friend. I hope it hold true where he is now.

We were really worried that if Jake moved to a private facility it could affect his parole but these people (in the forum) tell me that since parole hearings are computer generated that it wouldn’t affect him one way or the other. Plus they said the facility he wants to transfer to is one of the best in Mississippi. I sure hope he can get the transfer. I e-mailed Rep. Bennett Malone and asked him if there were any way to get the transfer and, of course, I haven’t had any response. What do people think I do? Write e-mails begging people to help me just for the fucking fun of it? Probably.

I called the records department of the MDOC yesterday and actually found someone who was nice and who would take the time to talk to me. She informed me that they do have Jake’s sentencing papers but that they don’t have his time served and work crew information from Lincoln County yet. She said it can sometimes take a while to get those so to please call her as often as I need to to find out if they have been sent.

I was really concerned because the picture online of Jake has him in a yellow outfit (C classification) and from what I gather that is somewhere just below maximum security and death row. It goes A, B, C, D and Death Row. The girl at the records department couldn’t tell me his exact classification because she didn’t know but said that the prisoners are classified at the county jail. It figures that those jerk wads would do just one more thing to be creeps to my son. I think the money he had on his account is still down in Lincoln County, I’m going to have to call to find out. What do I do if they still have it? Or worse if they lie and say it’s been forwarded to Jackson County and it hasn’t? These people were never fair to anyone in the 7 months I had to deal with them so nothing will surprise me. What does surprise me and totally piss me off is that his “lawyer” (using the term loosely) has never called me, my BIL or Rico back since he totally failed in his job to protect my son’s interests. I don’t ever plan to go back to that shit-hole one horse town but if I do, that “lawyer” had better not be surprised to find his nice neat little office toilet papered or egged or something equally juvenile. Yeah, I could totally go high school on his ass…

Five things...

2005-05-13T13:42:00.000-07:00

Sue has tagged me for a list of five things that people in your circle of friends or peer group are wild about, but you can't really understand the fuss over.

As she said on her blog, this is hard, especially since the people I hang out with pretty much are the same as me and Rico, but I’ll give it my best shot:

1.Work Talk – When we go out with our friends, that is all they talk about. The guys I work with talk about work all day long, I work all day long. Why would I want to go home in the evening, go out for a drink and spend the entire evening listening to people’s work crap? For me, it’s 8-5 baby. Leave the work in the office, people, come on already!

2.Reality TV – I have only watched two reality tv shows, the Osbornes and the last Surreal Life (probably because that one had Christopher Knight and he is so do-able). Other than that I think they are all so stupid. Why would anyone eat bugs for money? Or live on an island with a bunch of people who hate you and are looking for any reason to get rid of your ass? Uh, no. I don’t get it.

3.Exercise/Sports – I used to be really into sports when I was younger. Since I’ve “grown up” I only occasionally do anything physical. Sometimes we used to hike at Petit Jean and I actually made it (after many attempts) to the top of Pinnacle Mountain (for those who don’t know, it’s a big hill) without passing out and falling off the side of the cliff. My favorite saying about exercise is “I don’t run to the bathroom” and it’s true. I prefer my outdoor experience to be on the back of the motorcycle.

4.Gardening – I try, I really do but I haven’t got a green thumb. It’s a wonder my kids and animals survived. My neighbors have the most beautiful flowers, ponds, you name it, they have it and their yards are so much smaller than mine. I only do what I have to so that my house doesn’t look abandoned and the city won’t condemn our property due to totally ugly yard.

5.Hunting – It seems all of the people I work with hunt, all of our friends hunt, Rico and I… we don’t hunt. I have nothing against those who do (except when they say they’ll bring me venison or duck and then don’t) but I don’t understand getting up when it’s really cold, going out to stand hip deep in water or sit in a tree and then kill a defenseless animal. I could probably understand if the deer was packing an AK-47 or the duck had grenades strapped to it’s feet ready to bomb unsuspecting people in cammo and orange colored vests. It’s probably very hypocritical of me to eat meat when I refuse to kill it, but I just couldn’t do it. Besides, have you ever actually skinned a deer? Ewwww…. Oh, and I love to fish but I’m a catch and release kinda gal. Nope, I won’t clean them either.

Passing the baton to Michelle, Murrye and Mike (it’s an “M” day! And Mike, I know you’re out of town so whenever you get around to it will be fine!)

Letter from Jake...

2005-05-12T09:44:00.000-07:00

I got a letter from Jake yesterday. It's the first one we've gotten since they moved him to that stupid facility that is too far to visit him. (Sorry, I've been pretty worked up about it) He said that it's not as bad as he thought it would be. He's working out a lot, reading, things like that. The bad part is they have him in with the rapists, murderers and child molesters.

He's put in a transfer to be moved to a facility closer to us. It's actually just a little bit southeast of Memphis but it's still so much closer. I hope he actually gets the transfer.

I e-mailed the State Representative in that area asking him to please consider Jacob's transfer request. I don't know if it will help, but I at least tried. I was going to call him, but I do better with letters or e-mail. In person I tend to forget things, lose my train of thought and get intimidated very easily.

I'm kind of upset that he may not be able to update his phone calling list for about 6 months. I think that they should allow him to do it sooner since he forgot our home number (we never use it for anything except the alarm and the kids always call our cell phones) but now he has it and should be allowed to call his parents.

I'll update when I hear more.

Well, at least it's over...

2005-05-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

Another Mother's Day behind me. I don't really know why I ever expect anything special. Yeah, Rico took me out Saturday night and that was nice and even a little special. Jacob sent me a card so that was special. He hasn't called yet and I was hoping he would. Matt finally called about 2:00pm when he woke up, gave me a 1/2 hearted "Happy Mother's Day" and then proceeded to tell me he probably wouldn't be over since they had to clean house. Fine. Not even a card from him. Oh well...

I did get to watch an Absolutely Fabulous marathon on BBC America which is one of my favorite shows ever. I can watch each episode a million times (and either have or will have to since it's not in production any longer).

Rico was asleep by 7:00pm so I just channel surfed all evening and then cleaned the cat boxes. Yeah, on Mother's Day. He got up this morning and I noticed him heading back to the laundry room with plastic bag in hand and had to tell him "Uh, while you were sleeping..." so he felt a little bad. That's okay, I'll take it.

Anyway, I guess it wasn't terrible and there are other people who I'm sure had a worse day, so I won't feel too sorry for myself. I guess I was just more than a little upset by Matthew's behaviour. He didn't even call his grandmother.

Maybe next year he'll do better... maybe...

Happy Mother's Day...

2005-05-08T08:39:00.000-07:00

I want to wish all mom's a very Happy Mother's Day! I sent my mom flowers and it made her cry. I think it was happy tears. Rico took me to dinner last night and I got a card from Jacob. I'm not sure how he got it, maybe they sell them there.

I haven't heard from Matt yet but he sleeps late on Sundays so I'm not giving up hope.

Rico & I were going to take the bike out but it's supposed to rain. I was really looking forward to riding. Oh, well... maybe next weekend.

Hope everybody has a great day!

Virgo's Unite! Yeah, 'cause we're obviously so stable...

2005-05-06T19:54:00.000-07:00

Your Birthdate: September 20

Your birth on the 20th day of the month adds a degree of emotion, sensitivity, and intuition to your reading.

The 2 energy provided here is very social, allowing you to make friends easily and quickly.

Yet you are apt to have a rather nervous air in the company of a large group.

You have a warmhearted nature and emotional understanding that constantly seeks affection.

You are very prone to become depressed and moody, as emotions can turn inward and cause anxiety and mental turmoil.

It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in.

When things are going well, you can go just as far the other way and become extremely affectionate.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

A nice lunch but a bad misunderstanding...

2005-05-04T11:47:00.000-07:00

Murrye and I met at Sufficient Grounds for lunch and hung out for a while waiting on Michelle to show up. We finally went ahead and had lunch and worried about what could have happened to Michelle. Did she get hung up at work? We couldn't figure it out. Murrye and I had a very nice lunch and some great conversation but we really were missing Michelle.

So I came back and checked my blog, nothing. So I checked Michelle's. Poor thing! She was at a different Sufficient Grounds and felt stood up. She ended up having lunch by herself and I guess the waitress was pretty rude to her because her friends didn't show. Why are some people so mean?

Anyway, Michelle, sweetie, we missed you and we promise that we will do it again very soon and this time we will all be at the same place at the same time! We really did miss you at lunch. Next time will be girls night out and we'll let our hair down, okay?

Mix ups are a bitch, aren't they?

Alone again and lunch with friends...

2005-05-03T08:50:00.000-07:00

Well, I’m on my own for the next couple of days… Yeah, Rico had to go out of town again. I survived his St Louis trip without a total meltdown so I’m sure I can survive this too. I am woman, hear me roar!

Annie has become one of the family. I knew she would but I didn’t realize how much we would come to love her. We still miss Jerrica terribly but that’s to be expected. (UPDATED: I forgot to mention earlier that Annie has a severe case of cat obsession. This has not subsided since she came to live with us... The cats are now coming out of hiding but Annie has been found nipping at them and chasing them on more than one occasion, such as today at lunch, which is what made me think of it. "No" doesn't seem to work. She sees a cat and her entire body starts to quiver and then when she can't take it anymore, she has to strike. The girls have been fairly patient, they have double-teamed her at times, but I'm afraid that Annie might find herself truly in trouble when Pink and Alice have had their fill. I only hope they don't tear her up too badly...)

Nothing too exciting going on lately. I still can’t seem to get any response from anyone regarding Jacob. I’m not totally surprised but I had hoped someone would care enough to at least write, call or e-mail me to tell me to shut up or something. I’ll give it a few days and then find someone else to torture.

Tomorrow I am going to meet two of my favorite Blog Buddies for lunch. Murrye and Michelle both live in Little Rock and although we theorize we’ve probably passed one another in the grocery store or someplace here in town we have never met face to face. It should be enjoyable and I am really looking forward to it. Luckily we all work in about the same area of town so it’ll be really easy to meet and have a nice long visit. So, ladies, be prepared for the fact that I am really bizarre and tend to talk about stupid stuff. As if you didn't know that from my blog! Bwahahahaha!!!

Annie, Matt and a long rant about Jake...

2005-04-29T14:10:00.000-07:00

I got a nice surprise yesterday, my boss gave me the day off today. So, I’ve been doing a whole lot of nothing. Watching Annie and Fox play. I can’t believe how much we love that dog. And in the past five days she has made herself right at home. She doesn’t even act like the same shy dog she was when we brought her home on Sunday. She’s become the Princess of the Household. The cats are starting to warm up to her. Well, sort of... Fox has always chased the girls. They make it a game, one of the cats hides and then pounces on Fox when he’s not looking and the chase is on. Well, Annie likes that game only the cats aren’t initiating the play, Fox is. He’s showing off and Annie thinks that it’s okay to play too. She has become cat obsessed. They come into the room to scope her out and she just watches them, they seem to be teasing her. The other day she realized there were two and it was so funny! She got a little confused look on her face and looked up at Rico as if to say “Am I seeing double or are there really two?” Pink is becoming more accustomed to having Annie in the house but Alice is rarely seen and is very upset that Annie is sleeping in the bed. Alice has always slept with me. The first night she sat in the hall all night long but wouldn’t come to bed. Last night I woke up to a little cold pink nose pressed to mine. I thought she’d lay down but Annie sat up and Alice ran off. I really miss her little body crushing sleep techniques (never thought I’d say that).

Matt and Heather came over last night and he let me cut his hair really short. When he was younger he had really long hair (Jake did too), then a couple of years ago he cut it but it was still a little long on the top. Well, with summer coming on (not to mention he doesn’t always have money for a haircut) he asked me to shave it. I didn’t actually shave him bald, I used the #6 guard for the clippers all over and then thinned his sides and blocked the back. He told me he hadn’t expected to like it but he really did. And when he left the room Heather gave me a huge hug and thanked me. She loves it! I’m not a hair stylist by any means, but for a long time I used the clippers to cut Rico’s hair and so I got pretty good. I took a couple of pics so I’ll post them in a day or so.

I wrote an e-mail to Senator Trent Lott of Mississippi today. I asked him if there was any way to move Jacob closer to us. He’s so far away. I don’t know if Senator Lott will help but I felt it was worth a shot. I mean, Jake was coming home to Arkansas when he was arrested. Isn’t there something that says they can’t make it a hardship on family to visit? I mean I can understand being sent to a Federal Prison in another state, or being sent to another state due to the nature of the crime, but if Jake is in Mississippi and there are closer facilities to Arkansas why put him all the way over on the other side of the state? Doesn’t it help with rehabilitation to have a good support system on the outside? Friends and family who remind the person that they are loved and that people will be there for them to help them get their lives back together? Maybe that’s why there are so many repeat offenders in this country? I understand that prison is a punishment. But aren’t we as a society supposed to assist in the rehabilitation of someone and help them to reintegrate into society? To become productive members again? Our society seems to have a tendency not to see someone who has made a mistake as someone who can actually learn from that mistake. Now don’t get me wrong, some people can not be rehabilitated. Cold blooded killers, child molesters, rapists, these people have something inherently wrong with them. But the exploding prison population due to drug related crimes and the lengthy sentences for first time offenders shows that something is wrong with our system. I personally know of an instance of prison overcrowding and killers and rapists were paroled early rather than the pothead.

I am not saying that Jake didn’t break the law, do the most stupid, dangerous, wrong thing. He did. And I believe that this is the wake up call he needed to realize what a mess he was making of his life, but he had never been in trouble before. He has been sent as far away from his family as he possibly could be and still be in the state of Mississippi. He has been given an incredibly long sentence and while he was in court a guy who molested a 10 year old, got three years. Three years. An armed robber got three years. Armed robbery. What is wrong with this picture? A first time offender with prescription medication and a few personal items that he was stupid enough to have and this became 8 felony counts. Each carrying a hefty sentence. He didn’t have a gun, he didn’t molest a child.

Sorry about the rant. I just want him closer. I worry about him in prison. I have visions of OZ dancing in my head. Only not the nice new part of the prison... general population. I’ve known people who went to prison and came out knowing more about how to be a criminal than they did when they went in. I don’t want that for my son. I don’t think he’s that stupid to think about even jaywalking when he gets out but I still worry. I want to be able to look him in the eye and let him see how much we believe that he will learn from this and then go forward with a normal, happy life. How much we believe in him.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow...

2005-04-25T09:19:00.000-07:00

Little Orphan Annie...

Well, we did what I thought we’d never do again. We got another dog. She’s about 5 years old and her name is Annie. She is a little rat terrier mutt mix dog. Very sweet. She’d been abused before our neighbor got her. She should be good for Fox, he really does need another dog in the house. We had gotten him for Jerrica when she was about 10. Now we got Annie to be with Fox and she’s almost the same size and age as Fox (he’ll be 8 in July) and has the same energy level. This should be interesting...

The cats are not amused. They have gone into seclusion. I just keep reassuring them that they are loved and that Annie won’t hurt them. She’s very good with cats. Well, I remind them when I can find them. Pink likes to stay behind the washer and dryer, Alice is harder to find at times. I think she’s crawling into the cabinet in the laundry room. She sat in the hall all night last night refusing to come to bed because Annie was there. Poor little girls. They will have to get over it.

So, we might be crazy but our house has had two dogs and two cats for so long that we felt unbalanced. Annie isn’t a replacement for Jerrica. She’s a new and individual little lady who needed a home.

I think we did the right thing....

News about Jake... (Updated - Again...)

2005-04-19T11:43:00.000-07:00

My brother-in-law called Rico and said he’d gotten a call from Jacob. It seems that those idiots didn’t send Jake’s sentencing papers to this processing center and they are treating him as a violent offender until they get his papers. This means that he’s in with the worst of the worst. They don’t know that he has time served or that he was on the work crew. They don’t know that he’s a first time non-violent offender.

Rico has e-mailed the attorney twice and my BIL has called and left a message but so far neither one of them has heard back.

I can’t believe the incompetence of those people! Oh, wait, yes I can. They are the same people who sentenced a child molester to three years and my son to thirty. I am so upset about this and there isn’t anything I can do. That upsets me more than anything.

And according to Matthew the stupid little f*ck that should be in jail with my son will soon be moving to another state. He was supposed to have brought us money to help with Jake’s bills AND he was supposed to help Jake pay his fines when Jake gets out. The little twit. If I get my hands on that little creep...

Shelley hasn’t returned the last couple of messages we’ve left for her. I don’t know what the deal is there. Rico thinks she’ll be the next one to bail on Jake.

My BIL has really p*ssed us off too. He has been avoiding our phone calls (even the night Jerrica started seizing even though his dad told him what was going on) and didn’t even tell us that Rico’s sister S was in the hospital with a burst appendix (neither did Rico’s other sister even though she lied to my SIL S and said she tried to call - our phones record missed calls). The reason I believe my BIL has been avoiding us is because Rico asked him to sell Jake’s guns because we need the money to pay his bills. BIL had even offered in the past to give us fair market value on the guns and then keep them. But NO, now the little jerk would rather avoid us than sell them or give us money for them. I’m surprised he called Rico to tell him Jacob called. I really am. Does Mr. I Make As Much As The Two Of You Put Together think that we are able to pay our bills and Jake’s forever? That we don’t possibly need help? We should never have let him take those guns to begin with. We weren’t thinking clearly and we clearly didn’t think he’d pull this little stunt.

Sorry about the ranting but I’m really angry right now. I knew it was going to be hard for Jake and, yes, he got himself into this mess, but I was hoping it would somehow turn out okay. I guess I just wasn’t taking into account the stupidity of the people handling his papers. My bad...

--------------------
(Wednesday) I got a call from my BIL last night. He said Jacob had been moved to a facility farther away than the one he was in before. Previously he was 7 hours away from us and now it'll be more like 9 hours. I am so angry. They still don't have his sentencing papers. I called the court clerks office and the stupid woman told me that they should have been sent to the processing place. I told her that they hadn't been sent so the pig-woman tells me that if this place he's at now needs them then they will call to have them faxed. I almost screamed at her! I even asked if I could get them and send them myself but NO says pig-woman. Oink oink. So now my son has been sent to prison 9 hours away from me and they don't have paperwork on him. For all they know he could have been waiting on a Greyhound and gotten on the wrong bus! I guess the next step is to call the prison superintendent. I am going to ask my BIL to call since he works with a lot of government people and can speak their language, I'd probably get mad and cuss the guy out or something. Yeah, better let him call.

-------------------
Okay, I decided to quit whining and be proactive. I wrote a letter and faxed it to both the Records Dept and the Superintendent of the place where Jake is located. I told them that I had attempted to have his records sent myself but was unsuccessful and gave them the phone number to call and get his sentencing papers. I have now officially done all that I can do to help Jake out. I hope it works.

Thank you all so much...

2005-04-18T12:11:00.000-07:00

Thank you all so much for your support. I am trying to move on but it has been very difficult. Do I sit and cry 24/7? No, but I do find myself crying at inappropriate times and I guess I will for a while to come.

I just wanted to write a quick post, I will be very busy this week trying to get my house ready for company this weekend. One of our very best friends is coming into town and he hasn’t seen our house yet. He’ll have to deal with some of the clutter but I hope to be able to get the guest room ready for it’s first guest. No small task, I assure you. Plus I’ll be doing most of it by myself since Rico has to go to St. Louis Wednesday until Friday and our friend is coming in on Friday. I’ll try to find time to let you all know that I’m fine by myself. (Or falling apart which we all know I have done before. lol)

Hope everyone has a great week and I’ll still be checking in from time to time. All work and no blogging makes Stephie a sad girl.

Pay no attention to the madwoman behind the computer...

2005-04-16T20:08:00.000-07:00

We keep looking at her little bed. Remembering how she used to run and jump and play. Everything we do reminds us of our Jerrica. This has really been so hard. I keep having to tell myself that she was indeed dead when we put her in the ground. I have terrible visions. I want to go dig her up to check one more time. Don’t tell anyone we buried her in the back yard, there are laws you know.

I want to thank everyone for their kind words. Even though my pain isn’t lessened it really does help.

We ordered a plaque for her. Polished black granite. We are going to place it over her grave when it arrives.

I had so many things to say earlier while I was working in the garden. Thoughts kept running through my head, but now, I just feel drained and tired. I spoke with my aunt tonight, my cousin who killed himself would have been 39 today. My cousin (his sister) answered the phone and when I told her about Jerrica, she just didn’t get it. Why don’t more people believe that their pets are family members? She used to love animals when we were kids. I don’t understand.

Ah well, maybe tomorrow some of those thoughts will come back to me. If they do and they make themselves coherent enough, I’ll be sure to write them down. For now, I’m going to sign off and try to get a little rest.

There is a hole in my heart...

2005-04-14T15:25:00.000-07:00

At 3:58 pm on April 14, 2005, Jerrica passed away with her Mommy by her side.

I had a feeling when I came home to check on her at about 2:45 that I needed to get back to work, finish fast and get home. I got here at 3:45 and a short time later she gave 5-6 strong barks and passed away with me petting and singing "My Girl" to her.

I don’t know how to live life without the poodle but I am going to have to learn.

We will be having a private burial this evening in our back yard to be followed by the planting of Forget-Me-Nots.

Thank you all for thinking of us during this time.

Jerrica, rest in peace baby.

Pookie

1987 - 2005

Jerrica Update...

2005-04-14T06:26:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's taken so long but I kept hoping she was going to get better. Monday was rough and I stayed home with her but by Mon night she was eating and walking around. You could tell she was tired of laying in her bed. Tues she ate a little at lunch but that's the last food she's eaten. I had left her at home while I went to work and she got really bad. She would still drink plenty of water but wouldn't eat. Wed I brought her to work with me and she did okay but wouldn't eat or drink. She keeps trying to poop but the little thing doesn't have anything to poop out. We tried everything last night to get her to eat. She wouldn't do it. She has plenty of energy to pull away from food but not enough to eat I guess. She woke up about 3:30 am this morning (Thurs) and couldn't get comfortable. I stayed awake with her the rest of the night and finally got her comfy by putting one of my pillows under her head. Seems that's what she wanted all along. She did drink a little water this morning and then gave me a little bark to tell me either "I'm done stop putting it in my face" or "Thanks Mommy". I hope it was the last one. I left her at home today and will go check on her in a couple of hours. We decided she didn't need to be dragged all over the place. Besides, she was comfortable.

Her body is shutting down. We talked for hours last night about whether or not we should take her to the vet. The last time we took her though, the vet asked point blank "How far do you want to go with this? She's old." We talked about the time last fall she had gone in the foyer and lay down. It was unusual. We shook her and rubbed her and literally woke her from death. We should have left her alone. We didn't know.

I will update if anything happens. I really figure it's only a matter of time, barring some sort of poodle miracle. I'm so exhausted. My mind isn't working right. Last night I totally broke down. I'm just trying to be strong for her. She's so little and frail.

(note: Since I remembered that she's a year older than we thought I'm going to change her age on my sidebar. I want to get it right. Stupid, maybe, but...)

Keeping Vigil... (Updated Monday)

2005-04-10T14:53:00.000-07:00

We came home from Memphis yesterday to find that Jerrica was stuck in the front hall in a corner. She had pooped in the laundry room and had poop on her so we gave her a bath. Immediately following her bath she began having a seizure. We think now that she had started having them before we got home. I’m glad Matt didn’t find her. He wouldn’t have known what to do. When he came over that afternoon she roused and even ate some cheese and chicken. She knew he was there and I know he’s glad that he got to see her before she left us. I wish Jake were here for her but he’s not. She kept having seizures about every hour until about 3:30 am Sunday (today). They were terrible. Rico was on his watch with her while I got a little sleep and he began massaging her neck. No more seizures. Maybe a coincidence but we kept rubbing her neck from time to time just in case. She has gotten up a couple of times and drank some water and even went outside to pee. She’s a fighter. But when we tried to give her chicken a little while ago (by the way, it’s her favorite food) she only ate one bite and didn’t seem too interested in anymore. That’s when we knew. It’s only a matter of time. She is aware that we are here and I think she’s hanging on because she doesn’t want to leave us. We’ve decided that as long as she isn’t in any pain we will let her go naturally here at home. In our bed. That’s where she wants to be. Every now and then her breathing gets so shallow we can barely tell she’s even breathing but then she will shake her head and her breathing will get a little better. Alice has stayed by her side all day long. She sleeps curled up just a little way away from Jerrica and every now and then opens her eyes and just watches. I believe she knows that the poodle isn’t long for this world. If it weren’t so sad, it would be cute. Fox knows something is going on but he’s really not the sharpest knife in the drawer so he doesn’t get it and Pink has stayed away. Pink is rather autistic (she’s a little stand offish) so this doesn’t surprise me. Fox is being very needy and in our emotional state it’s a little annoying but we try to reassure him that we love him.

I doubt that Jerrica will live through the night, but that’s what we thought last night. Only time will tell, I guess. We will just stay with her and love her and keep telling her that it’s okay to let go. We will always love her.

Will update if anything happens. Right now I’ve got to go check on her. Mommy and Daddy love you Pookie!

6:60 pm (Sun) - No news. I was thinking about it and she's actually 17 1/2. I thought she was 16 1/2 but I have been thinking a lot about her life and my friend got her and I got Cody (her brother) in 1987. I had to give Cody up in 1989 and got Jerrica a few months later from my friend. She's lived a long life. I've lived with her so long I can't imagine life without her. She's still fighting.

6:31 pm (Sun) - Her breathing has gotten shallow again. A mouse couldn't survive on the amount of air she is breathing. We tried to give her a small piece of chicken a little while ago (after we took her outside... she tried to sit up so we took her out) but she wouldn't eat it. The day that the poodle doesn't eat chicken is... well, I won't go there. I keep telling her it's okay to let go. Every time we think she is going to, she picks up her breathing and stirs. I think it's because she hears us crying in the other room. We are going to try not to cry until after she goes. Rico just said her breathing is starting to pick up a little. She's scrappy... I just sing to her and try not to pick her up and hold her. I'm afraid if I do she'll try to keep going. She knows how much we love her and she loves us as much. This is tougher than I thought it would be. I knew it would be hard but as long as she isn't in pain we will keep her here by our side where I know she would want to be. Mommy loves you, Pookie. Forever and ever Amen.

8:15 pm (Sun) - The old gal is still kicking. I don't understand why she won't just let go. She has been through so much, she's blind, can't walk, but she keeps fighting. We have grieved and celebrated more in the last 32 + hours than I can count. I've decided that if she makes it through the night I'm going to take off work tomorrow. People may want to give me shit for letting my poodle die at home peacefully rather than put her to sleep. Let them. Let my boss. I don't care. You only get one Jerrica in life. I plan on enjoying every last minute with her.

9:30 pm (Sun) - Rico just went to bed to lay with Jerrica. I am definitely going to take off tomorrow if she's still going. I don't want to leave her alone. My big fear is that she could live like this for days. I can't take off for days. I can't watch her fade for days. This is so hard. But as long as she's not in any pain she stays at home. Please just let her go peacefully. I don't want to lose my poodle but I can't watch her waste away. Am I so terrible? I also can't take her to be put down. Only if she's suffering. Death is a natural part of life. We should (if given the chance) all have a peaceful ending surrounded by loved ones. If only it weren't so hard on those who are left behind.

11:00 am (Mon) - She continues to amaze us. I got next to no sleep last night and have been running a fever off and on. I told Rico this morning that she may outlast me. She had another seizure at about 11 last night then I woke up about 1 and she was snuggling up against me. We lay like that for awhile then I put her on my chest for a while. She drank lots of water. Tons of water. I never really slept the rest of the night. Rico had to go to work today and I made a scrambled egg to try to feed to her. As it was cooling she had another seizure. She's fine now and even ate some egg and bacon. I'm so exhausted. I'm afraid to sleep. I am going to lay on the couch for a little bit. She's on the floor at my feet in her bed. Bless her little heart.

1:00 pm (Mon) - She ate more egg and a whole piece of bacon then she got up and tried to walk. We think she could last like this for hours or for months. We won't put her to sleep when her will to live is so strong and she's not in pain. Unless things take a drastic turn for the worse, I'm going to go back to work tomorrow. I just hope I can get some sleep. I'll only update about her if there is any change.

Counting the minutes...

2005-04-06T16:38:00.000-07:00

Rico is on his way home as I type this. As a matter of fact, I figured he would have been here by now. I survived much better last night than I did the night before. I even slept like a rock through thunderstorms (at least I was told it had stormed, I didn't hear them).

I just thought I would write a quick post until I hear my beloved's footsteps on the porch. I always hate when he's gone and then he'll come home and probably do or say something to p*ss me off... Man, am I high maintenance or what? Hard to please...

Pink has decided that her new chew toy is my wireless router. Bad kitty...

I heard from Jacob the other day. I guess he hasn't been getting the letters his dad sent because when I addressed them I only put our last name and address in the return address and the STUPID sheriff won't release them to him because Rico's first name wasn't on them. Rico and I are of the opinion that this is mail tampering and therefore a federal offense. We haven't gotten a single letter returned to us. Is that legal? The last letter he had gotten was a preachy "Dad" type letter that made him mad (the little twit... still Baby Jake I guess) but I told him the one's he didn't get were just things about the animals and stuff...

Gotta go! Rico's HOME!!!

UPDATE: Okay, I knew it would happen... I love this man but he has a way of irritating me more than anything I've ever experienced in my life!!!

He found this movie to watch, "Tears of the Sun" I think it was. I made a bet that one of the soldiers was Mekhi Phifer from ER and he swore it wasn't but I KNOW IT WAS!!!! Anyway, the credits didn't say Mekhi Phifer so he was all like "I won, you lost!" But I know I am right! So I get on the internet and tried to PROVE that I'm right but I couldn't actually prove that it was Mekhi Phifer so he was all like "Ah ha! I am right and you are pitifully wrong you pathetic wrong person you, now pay up!"

So if anyone can find that I was right and this evil, demon-spawn (that would be my beloved husband Rico) was wrong, please let me know because it's really upsetting me that he doesn't trust my judgement and my belief that this was indeed Mekhi Phifer in this stupid movie (okay, the movie was good not stupid but it's the principle!!!)

Thank you!

GOD I'M A BIG FAT FREAKING WIMP FROM HELL!!!!

2005-04-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying, I have NEVER lived by myself. I have made decisions by myself, I have made decisions by myself since I’ve been married, I make decisions by myself on a daily basis but when it comes down to it... I have never been alone for any prolonged period of time. Yeah, I know, it’s been one night so far and I still have tonight and tomorrow to go. (There was the time while we lived in Memphis and were trying to sell our house. Rico and the boys moved to Little Rock before me and I was alone all week for about 3 months but I would literally make sure I had every errand done before I got home where I would lock the doors, set the alarm and wait until the next day when I had to go to work. My next door neighbors actually put a sticky note on my door saying they were worried about me and to please, please get in touch with them to let them know I was okay.)

Tonight Rico is in Memphis. As a matter of fact he’s at a basketball game with his co-workers and I know that I shouldn’t bother him, but... I had my dinner planned. I was going to have grilled catfish marinated in Italian dressing, mustard and Worchestershire (sp?) sauce with baby Brussels sprouts in butter. Except for the fact that the grill decided to run out of propane before the fish was even 1/4 done!!! What do I do? Big wimp that I am? Call Rico. I know that we have a stove AND an extra propane tank that I could have hooked up to the grill, but NO, I call my husband like a big old sissy titty hang pot who can’t do a thing for herself! Argh!!!! When all was said and done the dinner turned out fine if only a little late. Bless his heart he calls me while the game is beginning thinking it is a big emergency and I have to yell (because of the whole game starting music) into the phone that I’m fine, the fish is fine and have a good time.. (oh, and by the way, please come home because your wimp of a wife can’t handle dinner on her own!)... Oh, and I didn’t even tell him that Jerrica pooped and peed in the laundry room because she won’t go for me outside or the fact that I am simply a wimp who has to carry her gun around the house to feel safe! I feel so stupid. And my laptop seems to have only about 2 hours of alone time before it must be mated again with it’s lover the power cord. Jeez, it’s about as wimpy as me!!!!!!!! Well, Rico just called and his dinner was a jumbo hot dog which was only slightly bigger than a cocktail weenie on a bun so I guess it could have been worse, right? Jesus I’m a pathetic piece of (hot, fine looking...) ass! RICO COME HOME!!!!!!

Okay, I'm so stupid I can't turn off the ITALICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH IT'S BEEN ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS!!!!

Yeah, loneliness is... well, lonely...

2005-04-04T20:17:00.000-07:00

Rico is in Memphis until Wednesday night so I guess I'm missing him. This picture was taken at the State Fair two years ago and I added the hearts... Cute, huh? I added a couple of pics to Stephie's Page Because I wanted to show you what I do when I'm bored and show a pic of Jake, Rico and Al when we went to visit.

This breaks my heart...

2005-04-04T09:04:00.000-07:00

I feel sorry for these parents... Be sure to check their link for a little more info on the family. What’s really terrible is that the mother will be deported back to England, her husband will lose his passport, the three oldest children are with their grandfather in England and the two youngest will stay in America with their paternal grandmother. This family will never recover. I don’t agree with a lot of the things that Children’s Services does. They don’t track (or they lose) children who really need to be cared for and they take children away from parents who don’t deserve it. Yeah, the parents made a stupid mistake by trying to get their children back in this manner, but I can’t say I blame them. I remember how upset I was to learn that a social worker had gone to Matt’s school when he was in the 3rd grade or so (without my consent or knowledge) because an anonymous caller stated he was being abused. I think it was someone I had evicted but I could never prove it. I also had a vindictive neighbor call social services when Matt was 2 years old and claim he was abused because he had a bump on his head. He was TWO! Of course I didn't use force against anybody but I felt like it!

TGIF...

2005-04-01T12:59:00.000-08:00

First thank those of you who commented about Jerrica. The old gal is still kicking. She's a stubborn little lady. That's fine with me. I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like when she's gone. 16 1/2 years is a long time. I really hate to think that she will die while Jacob is gone. I was looking as some pics of the two of them the other day. When they were both young. She was always Matt's dog. But she's a daddy's girl at heart. Sorry, I'm rambling. I'll update if anything more happens. (Oh, and we still haven't heard anything from Jacob so he may have been moved to the processing center. Will update if I hear anything.)

I got my wireless router yesterday and got it all set up. Before I did that though, I had to call and fight with CompuServe. Stupid idiots. I had called on March 15th to cancel our dial up service with them since we had gotten the DSL. They charged us again on the 21st and Rico and I were pissed! First he tried to tell me that I didn't live at my address. Then the moron had the nerve to tell me that when I had called the rep had told me about something to do with something and that I would of course still be charged. I said, "Uh NO I distinctly used the word CANCEL several times". He kept trying to run his idiotic b.s. about well he would try to do what he could to help me and I said CANCEL THE FREAKING ACCOUNT and I WANT A CONFIRMATION NUMBER THAT IT'S CANCELLED TODAY (yeah, I was screaming mad at this point) so he starts blabbering about well if we ever want CompuServe in the future.. NO I WANT A CONFIRMATION NUMBER AND I WANT IT NOW...... I think he got p.o.'d because he tersely gave me the number, I repeated it back and then he said "haveagooddaygoodbye" click. Jerk wad. Then Rico called our Amercian Express Blue to give them the confirmation number so we wouldn't be charged anymore. The guy starts saying he'll remove the charges from Feb and March and Rico says "No, just pay the idiots or they'll keep trying to charge me, just don't let them charge after today's date" the guy starts going on about how he would make a note of it but he couldn't guarantee that a charge wouldn't show up... Oh, yeah. The fight was on! It was Rico's turn... I GUESS THE ONLY WAY TO STOP THEM IS PAY OFF THE ACCOUNT AND THEN CLOSE IT! Guy: "So you want to close it today?" NO! I WILL PAY IT OFF FIRST, DIDN'T I JUST SAY THAT?????? Fun, fun, fun!!! Nothing like a couple of good screaming matches with idiot customer service reps to get the blood flowing (no offense to any non-idiot customer service reps of course). It's really a wonder we both didn't have massive hemorrages and die on the spot we were so angry.

After that wonderful little scene I couldn't get the wireless router hooked up and running right. I think it was really just my mind set because once I calmed down it was a no brainer and now I can carry my laptop anywhere I want. Do I want to surf the net and do laundry? You betcha! Surf and cook? Yep! Oh the freedom from wired contraptions. It's heavenly.

It's a lazy Friday here at work. Don't really know why I'm still here. Everyone is gone except two of the guys and they don't really need me for anything. I could probably find something to do but... Nah, no motivation.

Tomorrow we have the community picnic thing. The other night we had to go door to door to hand out pamphlets. Actually me, Rico and Buzz went person to person. Rico was targeting all of the children. Buzz too. "Free ice cream. BBQ. Tell your Mommy and Daddy." They were waving cars down in the street. It was kinda funny. Then Rico gets a call from one of the other teams saying they were done. We were only 1/2 way through ours. No Way! One of the rules was not to put them on the doors. Speak to real humans, give them the pitch. Anyway after about 2 hours we were done and headed to Zack's. There we were about 30 hungry and thirsty people in our group alone and they only had two waitresses. The place was busier than I'd seen it in a long time. Needless to say we were all wound up and kept harrassing the waitress because we were drinking faster than she could bring them. I was starving and noticed everyone else had already eaten. Seems the kitchen had cancelled my order by mistake. Just my luck. So anyway, tomorrow should be really interesting. I just want to ride the bike. Maybe afterward.

Hope everyone has a great weekend and if I don't catch up with you this weekend I'll make sure to check in on everyone on Monday. Until later....

Jerrica...

2005-03-30T19:46:00.000-08:00

In the last month, Jerrica has gone downhill very quickly. I'm afraid she's on her last legs, so to speak. I took her out this evening and she wouldn't even stand up, she just sat there shivering. Rico is trying to get her to go as I write... Cat out!!!! Got to get her!!! Okay, cat back in. Rico said Pookie went pee and poop. It's more than we've been able to get her to do in a few days. Poor little old gal is blind and walks in circles. But every now and then is able to get to the back of the house and eat and drink without assistance. Her fur is matted around her eyes but we can't clip her because she freaks out, we've tried just bathing her but we thought she was going to die so we had to stop. Jerrica is 16 1/2 years old. She's lived a long happy life and I thank the powers that be that we've had her this many years. But lately I have just been singing to her and telling her it's okay to let go.

I guess I just needed to say how much I'm going to miss my poodle when she dies. She's my girl. She's a part of this family and we love her so much it's not even funny. I just hope that she goes quickly and quietly. I know that she's not suffering right now. I know that we will suffer when she does go. Death is harder on those you leave behind.

Seems Alice senses something. We have had Pookie on the couch and usually at this time of night Alice has to find a lap and settle in but she won't go near the couch, she sits on the arm of the loveseat and just watches Jerrica. Several times when Jerrica has been traveling through the house bouncing off of furniture Alice has been seen "guiding" the poodle by sort of running past her in between the bed and the dog etc. I always thought Fox would take it the hardest because Jerrica is the center of his universe but lately I've begun to think that besides me and Rico... Alice will be hit the hardest.

Not much happening here...

2005-03-29T09:53:00.000-08:00

I spend way more time surfing the internet and blog world than I should and I’ve noticed that a lot of people spend a lot of time getting people to come to their blogs. Now don’t get me wrong! I absolutely love getting comments from my friends in the blog-o-sphere and love commenting on other people’s sites. But I don’t understand the ratings, awards etc that goes along with a lot of blogs. I guess I just write stuff for myself and am flattered that anyone takes the time to notice. So for all of you who do notice, thank you.

Things have been going fairly well in our lives these days. All things considered. We haven’t heard from Jacob in a week and I think he might have been transferred to the next facility. His father is writing him a letter every day full of mundane stuff like how the cats are doing, how fast Jerrica’s fading and we’re afraid she won’t live much longer, and about things he did while growing up. I think that maybe this will help them become closer and will give Jake a sense that his dad isn’t just, well… his dad, you know? Our dinner on Sunday with Matt and Heather turned out really well. Dinner was good and I was able to send them home with some leftovers which 20 somethings absolutely LOVE. And I thought it was rather cute when Heather asked if she could keep the little plastic bowls I put the food in. Uh, yeah, sweetie… I use them once and throw them away. Okay so I’m not a great conservationist. But I hate washing the little suckers. We had planned on going on a motorcycle ride “Ride the Rock” this weekend to benefit the Special Olympics but we have to go to a community picnic for Rico’s work. We are thinking about going over to the start of the ride though and paying the money and getting our t-shirts then riding the bike to the picnic. It’s supposed to be a pretty day, and that way Special Olympics would still get the money. We’ll see. I ordered a wireless router since we now have DSL. Can’t wait to be able to move the laptop into the living room. Look out world! I’ll be surfing AND watching TV. How much cooler can it get? I’m moving into the 21st century! Yippee!

So as you can see, things are just tooling along. Seems whenever I don’t have time to blog I think of earth shattering, meaning of life type stuff, and when I do have time… well, see above… Hope everyone is doing well. Better get back to work! Until later…

Getting ready for Easter...

2005-03-26T10:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I did it! I got Matt to get up off his butt and come over tomorrow for Easter. Told him I'm not dying eggs this year, if he wants to he can bring some over and I'll hide them for him and Heather. LOL

I have Rico at the grocery store now buying the stuff I'm going to cook. Already kind of regretting it! We're having cornish game hens, stuffed. Also, deviled eggs, fresh steamed green beans, mashed potatoes and gravy, salad and he'll pick out a good dessert. I'm not fixing anything myself because I get pretty stressed having to do all of the other stuff. He wants to grill the little chickens so he'll be doing most of that and it'll really help. He's so good. Most of the time... hee hee

Hope everyone has a great holiday weekend! I have to go get my house presentable for anyone to come into. Since it's just me and Rico I don't always spend as much time cleaning as I should. Lazy I guess. Who me? Uh, yeah.

I'll check in on everyone later. Happy Easter!!!

I've done all I can do...

2005-03-24T21:29:00.000-08:00

Remember when I posted about Matthew and calling to tell P about the fact that he was Matt's dad? (I'm too tired to pull the link...) Well, it's been about a month since I called P and he hadn't called back so, you guessed it, I called him. His response was that he wasn't going to upset his daughter about it since he's had a rotten marriage followed by a rotten divorce and she has had a rough time. Okay, I don't want to upset her either but this is her brother! So after he told me that if Matt ever came looking for him he wouldn't kick him out of his house but that he didn't know if he'd let him into his family I took the only way out I could. I told him that he wouldn't hear from me again unless Matt was on his way to P's doorstep. Click.

Then I called the only other man in the world who I know loves me and totally understands me. My ex-boyfriend from high school who we both wish had been Matt's dad. He's the one I called before I called P to begin with (before my first post). He's the only one who cares enough about me to just listen and not judge. Rico listens but doesn't always hear. Jake's mom never wanted him and that was fine with Rico so he just thinks it should be fine with me if Matt's dad doesn't want him. I had a dad who didn't want me (Rico had two parents that wanted him) so I see things a little differently.

Anyway... B (my ex-boyfriend) told me that I had done all that I could and to sleep well at night knowing that. From here on in, it's between Matt and P. He even gave up watching basketball to talk to me for almost an hour while I cried and ranted and raved and finally agreed. (Rico fell asleep on the couch during ER) If Matt ever decides he wants to know his father I will give him the last known number for P and let them deal with it. I will tell him that P knows that he's Matt's father and that it is now between them. I still feel that I will be letting my son down in some way but I know that it's not exactly true. All persons involved have been duly warned or whatever and they will have to play out the drama without me. It may never happen, but Matt is only 20, who knows what the future will bring. I love my son and will always stand beside him but I will not waste another second on P. He's on his own. I really want to thank B for being here for me during this mini/major melt down. He understands me in ways that Rico doesn't because as he said, he's known me since before there was dirt. I love you B. You know that "If only..." really applies in this situation and thank the powers that be that you still love me too.

(For my faithful friends, this doesn't mean I don't adore my husband. This is just the one who got away. And I know he feels that about me.)

Here I is!

2005-03-24T07:41:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven’t posted in the last few days. I’ve been pretty busy at work and by evening time, I’m just worn out. You wouldn’t think sitting at a computer all day would wear you out, but it really does.

I went to the doctor on Monday and she wants to run more tests. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, I know that so why do I need more tests? I’ve decided not to do it. The medication isn’t working so I think I’m just going to do what I’ve been doing. Live with it and move on. I don’t want to get caught up in the same crap I went through with the neurologists. I went for years to find out what was wrong with my back, legs and feet. My feet try to curl up and it causes stress on my bones. I’ve had MRI’s, nerve conduction tests, spinal taps, you name it and all they could come up with was that I have a disk leaking spinal fluid onto my nerves and there’s nothing they can really do about it. I was born with my legs crossed over my chest and had to wear casts on my legs and then braces when I slept for a few years to keep them straight. I think that probably plays a large part in what’s going on but the neurologists didn’t think so. They kept giving me tests and medication. The medication they gave me ruined my eyesight and caused seizures. You would think I would have learned some type of lesson from that but, I guess I’m just a little slow because here I am getting caught up in it again for different reasons. Well, forget it. I’m healthier when I don’t go to doctors.

On a cooler note… Rico and I are going to Memphis on April 8th and we’ll be attending the Memphis vs Oklahoma baseball game. We aren’t baseball fans but his company has gotten a skybox and they’ll have beer and food. Lots and lots of food. I think there’s a course for every player at bat practically! I think it’s going to be fun to live like big wigs for a night. We even decided to stay at the Peabody! Pretty expensive, but I’m supposed to get a bonus on my check this week so we’ll just use that. We’ve been to the Peabody before for different functions but we’ve never stayed there. We used to go there on Thursday nights when we lived in Memphis. During the summer they have rooftop parties that are pretty neat. After the ballgame we’re all going to Beale Street which should also be fun. We hung out there a lot when we lived there and even spent a few really cold New Year’s Eve’s there.

Hope everyone is doing well! I’ve been trying to keep up with all of you even if I haven’t posted. If I’ve missed anyone I apologize and I’ll try to do better. Well, better get to work now since I have a stack of paperwork staring at me. Until later…

Okay, I guess Momma did raise a fool...

2005-03-21T19:49:00.000-08:00

I am one lucky lady tonight. I almost didn't tell Rico about my stupidity but I had to. We don't keep secrets.

Here's the story... I was at the liquor store and this man and woman asked me for a ride to Harvest Foods because they didn't have enough money for the cab. It was raining and I was feeling generous or whatever so I said yes because I was going in that direction and had to go to the Post Office which was right across the street. (It's all right around the corner from my house) So I let them into my car and the guy (who's in the back seat) says he needs to go to the Plasma Bank (I knew they were down and out...) so I took him back toward Broadway on 9th street and dropped him off. Then the woman says she's going to the Salvation Army for dinner but she's afraid they had stopped serving. I made it to 2nd and Cross as fast as I could but she said that they had stopped serving and asked me to take her to Burger King by the Children's Hospital. I couldn't think of a BK in that area but I headed off on Markham in the general direction. She then asks if I have any money to help her get a meal. I only had like $.40 or so and I gave it to her but she asks if I could get money out of the ATM. At this point I knew for sure I'd been had and of course told her "NO". I made up some story about not getting paid until Friday. Then she tells me to drop her off at an apartment complex like that was what she had said all along (yeah, right) but I was glad to get her out of my car. I cannot believe that I walked away from this whole thing with nothing less than a bruised kind hearted ego. These people could have robbed/killed/or both. But thankfully they didn't and I'm okay.

Of course I will, in the future say "Absolutely not" when someone asks me for a ride.

I really wasn't going to tell Rico because I knew he would be (rightly so) furious with me for even letting them in my car but I did and the look on his face when he heard the story was DEFINITELY enough for me to remember to be more careful.

Then he has to make a total ass of himself this evening by reminding me of a certain fantasy that we had discussed earlier, before the above mentioned incident, before trying to groom the poodle, before doing dishes and cooking dinner and watching the show on HBO that he'd missed last night.... and when I tried to encourage him that the fantasy was still a totally valid option he got all pissy and subsequently pissed me off.

Ah, the joys of married life... What were they exactly??

An e-mail I couldn't help but write...

2005-03-20T17:18:00.000-08:00

Chief Lane,
I just saw the 60 minutes report about the 3 Gonzales children who were killed by their father because you and your department did not do your job. I cannot believe that you had the nerve to claim that your department did all it could do regarding the restraining order against this man. Obviously it takes the death of three innocent children for you to be proved in the wrong. These children were the people you had sworn to "Protect and to Serve". Where is your honor? How can you take a restraining order issued by the courts and call it a domestic dipsute? How many children have to die before you believe a man over a woman? Why couldn't you or one of your officers have called the Denver police department to potentially avoid their deaths? You were aware of the restraining order which stated that law enforcement was to use any and all means to protect these children against violence. Is that not your job?

When I saw you on television I saw an arrogant, obviously woman-hating, man who could care less that three children lost their lives due to your division's indifference. Have you no conscience? Where is your sympathy and guilt over the obvious lack of law enforcement that you have chosen to take? How many more children must die?

I can only hope that you will learn from this incident and take clearer measures in the future to protect children against harm.

I also can only hope that Ms. Gonzales wins her lawsuit in the Supreme Court and holds you and your officers accountable for the deaths of these innocents.

May God have mercy upon your soul,

Stephanie Miksell
Little Rock, Arkansas

Weekend Stuff...

2005-03-20T13:47:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we got up extremely early, and I mean 7 am when I am usually snoozing (but we'd gone to bed at 8:30 Fri night which is really unusual for us!) and after Rico made me a yummy omlet we geared up to go motorcycle riding. (Rico's still practicing his omlet making and he's getting better but he's still not happy with his results yet.)

We got on the road about 10 am and headed west. Rico had called his brother, Allen Dale, and asked if he wanted to ride from Norman toward us but Allen had to do some work and couldn't make it. So we just rode until we got to this little place we'd found last weekend. It's called the Roadhouse and it's a bike shop in Dardenelle. The people are really great and they have beer and a cookout every Saturday. All they ask is that you give donations which we happily did. After a few hours making new friends we headed back to Little Rock and decided to go over Petit Jean for a more scenic ride home. It's always so cool riding along on the back of the bike. Rico doesn't get to look around as much as I do and I love looking at the scenery. Usually I look at all of the old houses and barns that have simply been abandoned and left to rot. I always wonder where the people went. I really wish I still had a good camera because one of the things I've always loved taking photos of is old abandoned houses, barns etc. I would love to take some shots from the back of the bike. I have some pics I might put on my other site if I can find them that I took of some places in Mississippi a few years ago and I think I have a couple from here in Little Rock. If I do post them, I'll be sure to let you know in case anyone wants to see them.

I also love to look at the horses and cows in the fields and am constantly amazed that there aren't ever any people out riding those gorgeous horses. I did see one girl on horseback but she was just sitting in the middle of the field talking on her cell phone. Ah, modern technology...

We got home just in time to put the bike in storage and get home to warm up. The wind was a little cold! And we settled in to watch some tv. We got a little sunburned but it was a great day!

Today I went out and cleared out my old flowers from one of my gardens. When we bought the house I had just put in some perennials but this year I had ordered some annuals and needed to get them in the ground. I think I planted them in good positions and even re-located some from the poor neglected side garden. That one will be my next project as it's over grown with weeds. I'm not the best gardener in the world but I do love to try. I always joke that it's a wonder Rico, the kids and the pets have survived because I kill just about everything I try to grow! LOL

I really need to get back to laundry and clean the back bathroom but those hours outside today really took it out of me. I know, I'm a wimp... Rico had been doing the laundry for me but now I think he's pooped out and I hear him in there flipping channels between NASCAR and the basketball tournament. We typically don't do NASCAR or basketball but he has money riding in a couple of office pools so that motivates him just a little. I actually think he's starting to enjoy the NASCAR though. I guess he'd better since the season is so long. I prefer tennis and football!

Well, off to the laundry room I go. Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Something else to worry about...

2005-03-18T12:50:00.000-08:00

I was e-mailing Sue and telling her to take care of herself. Her brother had a heart attack the other day and then another one in the hospital.

I really need to listen to my own advice and start taking care of myself.

As I was telling Sue, I go back to the doctor on Monday to find out about my bowel tests. I have to have a talk with her though about the arm they did the IV in because it's been extremely sore (that was 2/11/05) and now the vein feels hard. I've also got some slight discoloration going up my arm along the vein. I told my boss I'd hate to die from an IV. He said he used to have a secretary whose husband literally died from an injection. The tech didn't swab his hip with alcohol before giving a cortisone shot. He got a horrible infection and became bedridden lost his hip joint due to the infection and died two years later. I guess I'd better start taking this seriously, huh? I just always have something that hurts so I haven't paid too much attention until now. But my arm really has been terribly sore since then. The pain starts below my elbow on my right arm and goes up to my shoulder. Not to mention the fact that veins shouldn't be hard, right?

I'm sure it's just something routine and they can take care of it. I just hate to be on antibiotics. I'm sure some of you women out there know what I'm talking about. Female issues. I won't go into graphics in case any of my guy blog buddies stop by. LOL

I'll update when I find out what it is.

Oh, I never did update about our thoughts of moving to Galena. We decided against it because the job didn't pay enough.

If there's anything else I haven't updated on, let me know and I'll make sure to do it. Sometimes my mind goes in a thousand different directions at once. Hence the name of the blog: Stephie's Thoughts!!! They are often disjointed and in the moment and I apologize if I don't make sense sometimes. I don't make sense a lot of times in person either, my husband thinks I'm insane. LMAO I am, you know!!! hee hee.... Matt thinks I am because I often talk to myself and even provide answers and he says I constantly repeat myself. I freak out at the grocery store, Walmart, the mall . Too many choices. I think I have Adult ADD. Or something.... Now, where was I going with this???? Oh well...

I'm getting angry with Blogger...

2005-03-18T07:32:00.000-08:00

I have written two posts, one last night that disappeared and one just a few minutes ago that disappeared. And one post that disappeared and magically reappeared. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has had this problem but it's making me mad.

I just wrote a long rambling post about my humidifier problem and it disappeared!! Nothing too earth shattering I guess but still it makes me upset when anything I write just goes bye-bye. I know I should probably write it in Word and cut and paste but I don't always have time to do that. I suppose I'll make time from now on!

Humidifier problem in a nutshell... Don't buy a Bionaire humidifier especially from Sharper Image. I love Sharper Image products (we have an Ionic Breeze, two flea zappers that are great and a phone from them) but I bought this humidifier a couple of weeks ago and it was a piece of crap. I think it was refurbished or just damaged because the remote didn't work and the machine was all worn looking and scratched up. I drove over to West Little Rock in rush hour traffic to exchange it, drove all the way back home (downtown) only to find the "new" one was scratched and there was no plug for the water reservoir. So I drove all the way back over to WLR in the tail end of rush hour traffic and got my money back. When you pay $100 for something it should at least work, right? I was proud of myself for not screaming at the sales guys like a banshee. It wasn't their fault and they were really helpful and apologetic. I was just so pissed at having to make that trip twice in one day and still not have a humidifier to show for it. Ah well... such is life I suppose. Just another one of life's little lessons.

Happy St Patrick's Day and Happy Birthday to my brother...

2005-03-17T08:44:00.000-08:00

Today is my brother's 35th birthday. I can't believe I let it slip up on me this way. I am usually so good with at least remembering his birthday since it's on St Pat's day but this year I didn't even remember it WAS St Pat's day until today. Go ahead and give me a cyber pinch because I didn't even wear green. I wore pink, yup, even my undies are pink. Blue jeans, white socks. No green.

I have always worn green because when my brother was in kindergarten he didn't wear green and the other kids pinched him and made him cry on his birthday. I always promised him we'd both wear green so he wouldn't get pinched any more. I think he'll forgive me this year though.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful day! I am really still pretty depressed. It gets worse at night though since I'm so busy during the day. I'm trying to have a good day though, so all of you have an extra special good day to make up for mine being only so-so, okay?

I don't know if anyone notices but my post from last night when I was sooo depressed showed up after Blogger sent it into Bloggerspace or where ever it sends posts it decides not to publish. I was so PO'd at Blogger last night I was cussing and griping and had to remind myself not to punish my laptop because it wasn't it's fault Blogger was being mean to me. I'm sure there are more than a few of you out there who know what that's like! lol

I never wanted to be anybody's anything...

2005-03-16T18:51:00.000-08:00

There is nothing worse than feeling down and sorry for yourself and having a grand old pity party that you want to write down before you start screaming and then having to wait 15 min for Blogger to get to the Create Post section. I had so many rants about not ever asking to be a mother or a wife or a daughter or an employee but... after waiting forever to post about it... I just don't care anymore. I'm just so tired. Does anyone else ever feel that way? Does anyone else just wish that the whole world would just stop and shut up for about 5 minutes so that their brain can be calm for just a moment?

I really did have an entire post about how sick and tired I am of being sick and tired but now, I think I'm just too tired to bother.

3/17/05 - This is sooo weird. This was my post from last night and it disappeared on me now it's back.

New Blog Page and Update

2005-03-15T13:46:00.000-08:00

I want to say a great big THANK YOU to Flirt and her Blog Togs for my brand new web design! I absolutely love it and hope you all do too! Kisses Flirt for making my page so fun and unique! Anyone who would like a new design should hop on over and put in a request. The designs are free with a donation to charity!

We got home last night about midnight after driving back from Mississippi where we went to Jake's sentencing trial. He got what the DA recommended plus a $10K fine to pay when he gets out. Yipee. Hopefully he'll be out in 10-17 months and then he'll be on 5 years probation and will have to start paying back that hefty fine.

I'm really exhausted today so I'm going to sign off for now. All of my friends that I haven't visited I will check in with you later or tomorrow. Veronica I'm glad you stopped by while I was gone, I was really worried about you after your surgery.

Hugs to all of my friends! Until later...

Jake & Shelley

2005-03-11T06:18:00.000-08:00

This picture of Jake and Shelley was taken last year on Valentine's Day. It was when he had longer hair. His hair was really long in high school and now he wears it shorter.

UPDATE: Talked to Jake today for about 30 min or so. He sounded really good. I feel better knowing that he spoke to the DA himself and it sounds like he will probably be out in 10-17 months depending on how they figure his time served and time accrued on the work crew. He's preparing himself to go to Rankin County which I gather is a processing center of sorts and he'll be there 2 weeks to a month. I think that's where he said they'll give him his parole date. He will then be assigned to a satellite which will hopefully be as close to his family as they can get him. He said that they are so overcrowded that they will probably try to get him out as soon as they can especially since he's a first time offender. After he gets out he will be on probation for 5 years and then he'll be done. I was really worried about that. I had visions of him at 50 getting arrested for jaywalking or something and being sent to prison to serve the remainder of the 30 years.

He's looking forward to getting home and moving past this. He has definitely learned a hard lesson and I have no doubt that he will be trouble free (with the police anyway) for the rest of his life. I am looking forward to having my son back.

Just feeling sick...

2005-03-10T09:41:00.000-08:00

I just feel absolutely sick at my stomach. I don't have a good feeling about Monday. The attorney tried to tell me that using all of the letters etc and having us there in the court room will give him a chance to ask for a lesser sentence. He actually tried to tell me how good a deal the DA was giving Jake. Yeah, great deal... Until he's 53 years old he could be thrown back in jail for jaywalking. And I'm sorry, but having to serve 25% before being eligible for parole means diddly. Even I know that "eligible for parole" doesn't mean you WILL get paroled. It means you might, maybe, if you are lucky get paroled. And from what I've been able to determine, parole board members get their kicks from telling people "No". They don't see the person behind the crime, they only see criminals who they feel it is their job to keep behind bars. My sweet natured, lovable, kind son who admittedly did a stupid thing and yes broke the law (for the first time in his life) will go to prison. I told the lawyer that in my experience people who are not actually criminals and are shoved into prison with the big baddies usually come out knowing more about how to be a criminal. And since our system (not to mention society) doesn't allow someone to be rehabilitated and instead looks down upon the person for the rest of their lives, then what chance does Jake really have for a future? He will never be able to get a passport, he will be lucky to get a job doing something besides washing dishes, he'll be haunted for the rest of his life for something stupid he did when he was young and dumb.

Well, I guess at least the Lincoln County Mississippi District Attorney will be able to sleep better at night knowing that he locked up a hardened career criminal such as my son. Yeah, he'll sleep better and his hateful vindictive soul can rest assured that he has done his job to the fullest extent and the streets will be safer for all of those law abiding citizens whose lives Jacob destroyed.

Hard not to be bitter and feel hateful myself. I know I need to stop but I feel like I'm on a runaway train and the bridge is out. I truly believe in karma but I'm having a real hard time not heaping horrible curses on everyone and anyone involved.

My boss says that it's still likely that the judge will be swayed by us and the fact that his job has had at least 4 guys since Jake got arrested and can't find anyone as good as he was so they really need him back. I try to feel positive but I just don't have it in me right now. And Richard isn't helping. He has given up and resigned himself to the fact that Jake will spend the rest of his life in prison (that is totally ridiculous but try telling him that). I know that he's hurting too and my friend Darcy tells me to be there for him and be strong for him but who's going to be there for me? Who is going to be strong for me? I have to be strong for Richard, Jacob, Shelley, Matt, Mom, Dad (who's been crying for days), my father-in-law... The only person I could maybe lean on is my brother in law except he's probably one of the most negative people I know. So that's out. My brother is getting better these days but you can't lean on a bipolar, schizophrenic, sociopathic, manic depressive. Nope, can't be done.

Does anyone know of a nice padded cell available in the Little Rock area? I could sure use one.

I could start screaming and never stop!

2005-03-08T15:08:00.000-08:00

I just got a call from Shelley. The DA is recommending Jake gets 30 years w/22 yrs deferred and eligible for parole after 25% including time served. This is absolutely insane! I can't believe that for a first offense they want to do this to him and I abso-f*cking-lutely can not believe that Jacob is willing to do time for that CREEP BS so-called friend of his. This kid wouldn't do it for Jacob. What do we have to do or say to get it through Jake's head that this kid isn't worth it? That this kid is bad news, always has been and always will be. I'm not a big advocate for snitching but come on people!!!! I don't have anyone except my family that I would do hard time for. Nobody. If we ain't related I'm not going down for you! His sentencing date is next Monday. He better not have agreed to or signed anyhthing! I am going to have Rico call that attorney and tell him this deal or whatever sucks and is wrong wrong wrong.

I feel like crawling into a hole and pulling the hole in after me. I just want to lay down and cry.

New realization: Rico isn't going to call the attorney. He expected the worst and he's getting it... in abundance.

I'm going to personally call the attorney tomorrow. I don't know what it will accomplish. Rico doesn't want me to piss off the DA. I'm beyond caring. I have personally known people who have done way worse than Jake and gotten off with way less. I feel like since Mississippi is such a poor freaking state they will do anything for cheap labor. If I get into total Momma Bear mode I'm going to piss people off. I know I need to be rational and calm but I feel like an iceburg has enclosed my heart and I'm running on pure instinct. Rico is almost afraid of me tonight and I suppose he should be. I was telling our friend Jimmy tonight about the DA's recommendation and Rico put his foot on mine under the table to shush me but no one and I do mean NO ONE is going to dictate how I am to act or sound or speak or whatever when it comes to my son. Sometimes I think that Richard doesn't even give a rat's *ss about the boys. He's too wrapped up in "I told him so" mode that he can't see what a complete moron he's being about his own son.

I will try to keep my cool tomorrow but I am going to tell the attorney a thing or two. He may be Jacob's lawyer technically but I'm the one paying his bill. My mom thinks we should fire him and get a public attorney. She says it would have to be better than what this guy is providing. Or at least as bad without paying as much money.

I could go on ranting all evening but I think I'd better try to go and calm down.

UPDATE: Wed:

I just got off the phone with the attorney. He said that this deal that the DA is proposing is a good one with minimum time to actually have to serve in jail. He's going to use the letters we and people who know Jake have sent, the fact he has a stable family and a job waiting on him to try to reduce the sentence even further on Monday in front of the judge. He thinks there's a very good chance he can get it reduced some more. He said if Jake went to a jury trial he would lose and get the full sentence with no deal. I have no faith in anything or anyone right now.

He can run but he can't hide!!!!

2005-03-08T07:32:00.000-08:00

Here are some pics of Matt and Heather that I weasled out of them when I went to see them yesterday. If the mountain won't... You get the idea. This Mom was tired of not seeing her young'un so she saddled up the Hybrid and drove over for some quality visiting with the kiddo's and kittens. I love the way their cats come running to me whenever I walk in because they always expect me to feed them. I'll have to post their pics another time though. I still have to get pics from John's wedding with my boy all dressed up in the suit, etc that I bought him to be best man. As of this posting Clifton (one of Matt's best buds) has all of the pictures and I have sent word to him that I paid good money for those clothes. The least I could get is a few pictures!!

Aren't they such a cute couple?

I kept messing with this one but couldn't get it much bigger without messing up my sidebar. I will have to bring a pic of Jake & Shelley to post tomorrow.

Wish I were there...

2005-03-07T11:35:00.000-08:00

Today Jake has a court date. I really wanted to be there but he told me not to come. He is supposed to have another one in about a month and we are to go then. I wish I hadn't listened to him and just went down there. He was supposed to have called me on Friday but he didn't, the little twerp. I have no idea what deal if any he's heard. Except for that first big bad one. I can only hope that they get better. I haven't heard from him today either so I guess I'll call Shelley this evening and see if she heard anything. I hate this. I know that he would be worse off in just about any other jail in the world than he is now, but I still wish he were here in Little Rock. Actually I wish that he'd used the brain he was born with and hadn't gotten into trouble in the first place. Sigh.

Weekend Update...

2005-03-06T18:00:00.000-08:00

Just a quick post. First, for all of my favorite blog buddies I'm sorry I haven't checked in, weekends are really hard to find time and Rico feels abandoned when I'm on the computer too long! I just ordered DSL (yea! I've moved into the 21st century!!!) so online jaunts shouldn't take as long once it's installed.

We spent the entire weekend on the bike so that really cuts into computer time. It was a gorgeous weekend (well, yesterday was kind of cloudy and cool but today was beautiful) and so we spent many hours riding the back roads! Meeting old friends and making new ones. That and just spending time together makes it so worthwile!

We still haven't gotten the info we requested on the job in Galena. The posting closes 3/11 so I hope he gets it soon so we can make an informed decision. Matt says we should go for it and that wherever we are is where Jake will have to be. Plus Matt said Heather is looking at pharmicutical (sp?) school in Oklahoma so that would be wonderful! He's trying to decide if he should take a 3 month assignment in Chile where he could make $50K but it would mean a true leap of faith for Heather since she'd have to quit school to go. He won't leave her behind. I think on one hand they should go because they are young and how many chances like this do you get, but on the other it's going to be hard work and I want to make sure Matt knows that up front. No whining to come home after 1 week! lol

I need to scoot because Rico will be the one whining in a minute! Hope you all had a glorious weekend and I'll catch up with you all tomorrow! Love and kisses!!!

To move or not to move?

2005-03-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

Now that is definitely the question. There is a job opening in Galena Kansas which has us curious. I don't like being so far from my family (or Ricard's either) but since 1996 we have lived in Memphis and now in Little Rock (since '99). We've wanted to move closer to our families ever since we were transferred out of Oklahoma but now that we are actually faced with a very real possibility... I don't know. It would mean moving away from my kids. They are adults now and have their own lives, loves etc. I know Jake isn't here now but he plans on being here as soon as he can. But what if he goes to prison? Then I'd be really far away from him.

If he took the job in Galena we could live in Joplin. But do we want to? Do I really want to sell my house that I love so much? Leave the boys behind in Little Rock? I've really gotten to where I love Little Rock. It's beautiful and friendly. Easy to get around in. Joplin is way smaller than LR. Something about Joplin being the closest "big" city is just too small town for me. I don't do small towns. Been there, done that, ain't gonna do it again. I'm a mid sized city kinda gal. Memphis-too big. Joplin-too small. LR-just right, I think.

I don't know what to tell Rico. I think he's waiting on me to help him make a decision but I JUST DON'T KNOW. Sigh.

It would be so nice to be closer to my mom. I could see her more often and help with Saskia. It's hard on Mom raising a 5 1/2 year old. She could use some help. But I have a nephew and a sister in law that tend to need help a lot.

The main thing is my boys. I feel like Rico and I gave up our choice to move away from LR when they settled here after moving out of our home. We brought them here. Can we just abandon them now? But, there are factors about staying that are scary too. Rico might not have a job in a couple of years. At least, not here in LR. The cards have to fall into just the right position for him to continue working here longer than two years. Long story...

I guess we'll have plenty to talk about tonight.

For little ole me?

2005-03-01T11:06:00.000-08:00

When I went home for lunch today I found a package with my name on it! It was sent from my best blog buddy Sue! Music! How great is that, huh? She sent me the top 500 songs as per Virgin Records. (says so right on the card she sent) Now wasn't that so sweet? Thank you Sue! I'm getting ready to fire up the cd player on my computer here at work and see what I've got.

Nothing says I love you like good music... Thank you for thinking of me Sue. You made my day (and it's been a pretty bad one). I'll e-mail you later when I get a chance.

Hope everyone is having a great day. I sure am now!

Sending good thoughts out...

2005-02-28T16:12:00.000-08:00

First, we got our heater fixed today. Cost under $200 to fix and found out it's a fairly new system (put in between 1999 & 2001 probably after the '99 tornado) so that's good news.

I started out this morning with the best of intentions regarding visiting my blog friends I haven't checked on in a few days and found out first that Ellen and her husband had to put their dog Max to sleep. Ellen the comments weren't showing so I want you to know how sorry I am.

Then I stopped by to visit Sandee and got sidetracked reading all about a little girl who has a tumor. Her name is Emerald and she had surgery last month to remove her tumor but it came back with a vengance and is now moving into her brain. I spent every free moment today reading the past year's worth of trials and triumphs of this beautiful little girl's life. Please stop by and visit her. I haven't left her a comment on her guest book yet but I plan to, oh, and Sandee I couldn't leave you a comment either, hope you are doing okay today! Thank you for the gift of Emerald.

So, I didn't get to visit anyone else, and for that I am so sorry. I will be back to normal tomorrow. I will, however, make time for my beloved Lou because I have to have me my daily fix!

I talked to Jake today. Somehow he can make even the deal the DA threw at him last week sound good. He was never this reasonable before... Anyway, he said his lawyer didn't get to talk to the DDA (dumb district attorney) on Friday so was supposed to talk to him today. Jake should find out tomorrow what the latest "deal" is. He said even the one they gave him last week would only keep him in jail for another 12 months with time served. I think he's being optimistic but he said with the programs that are available and so much time off for certain activities, like going to church on Sundays etc. Still think he's being optimistic... But he is closer to it than I am, I only know what I see on A&E... anyone else ever watch those parole shows on that channel? Anyway, he may not be able to call me again until Friday but he'll try.

Am I wrong to have thoughts lately that "thankfully, he's only in jail and not sick"? Does that make me cold-hearted? I just know that "this too shall pass" where if he were sick I might never get to see him again, or there'd be way more suffering involved. While reading Emerald's website today I was struck by how many children that they knew had passed away in the last year. Losing their fight with cancer. What a horrible thing. To lose your child... I couldn't even fathom it (actually...). I have worried their whole lives that something would happen to them. Matthew has been the worst one I have worried about. When he was born he had gotten stuck in the birth canal and had to have tubes put in when he was two months old that run from his head to his chest. --- I write that so calmly... what happened was, they didn't act like there was anything really wrong when I had him, only they forgot to give me the epidural (sp?) and then when he was 2 mos old he choked on formula and quit breathing. Thankfully, his babysitter lived right next door to a nursing home and they got him on oxygen. They called an ambulance and I was pulled out of class at college. Rushed a 1 1/2 hour trip in 45 min, got to the hospital to be told he was fine EXCEPT for the fact that his head was too large, so back into the ambulance to Okla Children's Mem Hosp... Then surgery and years of having to monitor what his big ole' head bumped into. We had more CAT scans and mobility tests. Running to daycare when another child hit him in the head with a block. Writing notes to gym teachers over the years to excuse him from any exercise that he had to roll his head on the hardwood floor was. They told me when he had them put in that they'd never be able to take them out. They told me when he was almost 18 that they could be taken out now. Only, he didn't graduate HS and could no longer be on our insurance. He can't afford it and I can't help him... How F*'d up is that? I was on freaking welfare... if the state put them in, couldn't the state take them out? They hurt him! And he has headaches!

I used to joke when he had his little tummy scar that someday it would be on his chin. I didn't allow any pictures of when he had his surgery. No pictures of the bunny ears we used to make out of the cotton swabs stuck to his head on either side after they had drained his skull to make sure the leak was stopped. No pictures of the scars unless they were healed. Couple of those baby pictures.

I know about worrying about losing a child but not actually losing one.

Sorry, sometimes I get lost in time when I'm writing. But since I'm really writing only for myself then what does it matter?

Someone said recently that you shouldn't be too personal on a blog and I think that's true to some respect. But on the other hand, who else would I have to bore with my thoughts? Well, anyone who'll listen I guess....

Hope everyone I love is doing well tonight. My thoughts are with each of my friends with cancer, each of my friends with job problems, illness, birthdays, births, weddings, the list is too long to mention. I just want to thank everyone who visits for stopping by and I hope they will link to some of the people that I link too. Some of these people are extra-ordinary.... ((((HUGS))))

Interesting the way the mind works...

2005-02-26T14:23:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up to a) find out our heater wasn't working (brrr!!!) and b) my back was killing me! So, somehow Rico translated this to mean we should clean out the attic and do yard work... Okay, the yard work was kinda my idea but it's supposed to be cold and raining tomorrow and I really had some weeds to pull!

So now I sit here warm from working out in the yard, back killing me from lugging things from the attic to the house (I didn't go into the attic, I am afraid of heights and get vertigo but it was really fun anyway up on that ladder) and pulling weeds, mourning the mirror in my husband's grandmother's pitcher stand which was a casualty of attic cleaning (dropped those boards right on it!) and waiting to get in the shower. It'll be getting cold soon so we decided we'd better hurry and get cleaned up. Thankfully it'll only get down to about 40F tonight (oh, it's gonna be cold). It would be worse if we lived in a colder climate. Rico decided it would cost too much to call out the heat and air people on the weekend.

Hasn't been a very good couple of days... Rico heard from Jake yesterday and the DA has a shitty deal where Jake would get 30 years with 20 deferred. For a first time freaking offense! I sure hope his attorney is able to get through to the guy or Jacob is looking at serious hard time. I think the attorney was supposed to talk to him again yesterday (Fri) and Jake is going to let us know on Monday. We don't have to go to his trial on the 7th I guess, but have to go to the next one. I need to talk to Jake because I don't understand why he doesn't need us there on the 7th. I wish I hadn't missed his call yesterday. Hopefully he'll call me on Mon.

Guess it's time to go shower. Then wrap up in a warm blanket. And maybe put a heating pad on my screeching back. Hey, extra warmth, right?

Lou...

2005-02-24T16:16:00.000-08:00

Isn't he adorable?

I love this little boy....

Thank you Luc for sharing him!

Preparing to prepare for the future...

2005-02-24T12:35:00.000-08:00

Rico and I were discussing the fact that we really need to draw up wills in the event something should happen to one or both of us. I looked online yesterday and found some forms we could use to get started that were pretty reasonably priced ($10 for married persons with adult children will & $7 for living wills).

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately considering what is going on in Florida with Terri Shiavo. I have discussed my preferences with my husband and with my family, however, this is not enough. People cannot be expected to remember things correctly during a crisis situation. My mother doesn’t agree with some of my choices so would she fight Rico on what he and I know that I want? Maybe. I could see it happening. Who should have the right to decide for you if you are unable and didn’t leave a living will? Some one wrote on their blog that parents are parents for life but a spouse is just someone who comes into and sometimes goes out of our lives. I have to insert my own thought here... Yes, parents are parents for life, however, unless said married couple is separated and/or divorcing then the spouse should have more rights. (That’s not easy to say as a mother but as a wife I say it with all honesty. Someday my boys will get married and their wives will take over where I left off. They will make decisions together and I will have no say in it. Well, I’ll say what I want but they don’t have to do what I say.) When my cousin killed himself he was in the middle of a divorce, but, because it hadn’t been finalized she got tons of money from the insurance plus my aunt had to give her money from the sale of the house. I don’t really think she should have gotten the money, of course their children should get it but not her too. SHE was divorcing HIM. He committed suicide because of this. But when someone is in a committed happy relationship then the spouse would be the one who has the right to make the decisions. Rico knows me better than my parents. My parents know their child but Rico knows the adult I’ve become. (These are just my own thoughts on the subject anyway.)

Rico and I have very different ideas about our own lives should something happen. I told him last night that if I had a heart attack right then in the kitchen of course I would want him to call 911 and start CPR. I am not afraid of dying, I just am not ready yet. However, should resuscitation efforts go on for too long (i.e.- however many minutes it takes the brain to be severely damaged by lack of oxygen) then please just stop. He on the other hand would rather die than lose a foot or an arm. I could survive that. He says he couldn’t. I have a hard time when I think - what if we were in a car wreck and he had to have his leg amputated to remove him from the car? If he were conscious I’d let him decide, but what if he were unconscious? What if he didn’t have to have it removed to get him out but to save his life and he was unable to make the decision? Do I have what it takes to refuse the surgery and let my husband die as is his wish? I think he’d better write it down. I’m too selfish, I’d rather have him alive, can’t help it, I love him.

So, I think that I will download those forms this weekend and see about getting this done. I have mentioned it many times and we always just put it off. I guess actually writing up your will means you have to face your own mortality. Maybe that’s why so many people don’t do it. I don’t know.